@actuallyautistic
For those of you who visit family on Christmas and wonder why you always feel so tired afterwards. And, I suppose, for those who don't wonder, but may still find this interesting.
You are in your best clothes. Which, let's face it, aren't your comfy pj's, or normal comfy clothes and which feel weird and more than a little restrictive. If not downright scratchy and uncomfortable and always make you wonder why you have to be tortured this way.
The smells assailing you are all Christmasy. From the cooked food, to the scented candles and diffusers and no one else is really noticing or seems to care. But they're quietly driving you up the wall and if you're really unlucky, upsetting your chest and breathing. But, you daren't say anything, because that's just wrong and upsets everyone and once again marks you as the person who ruins everything. And yet it's still all you can be aware of and just wish would stop.
You're currently trying to listen to what your loved ones are saying. Whilst hearing what every one else is saying, the music, which is supposed to be in the background, but isn't to you, or the t.v. that's been left on. Whilst at the same time desperately parallel processing, what they're saying, what it means, up to and including any obvious traps and pitfalls, like the fact that your Aunt really doesn't want to know that her outfit makes her look like a cheap hooker, and which of the multiple possible responses is in fact the one they want, or which will get you out of this moment the quickest and with the least pain. Or, how to frame what you actually want to say in a way that they will understand, accept, or, more likely, swallow without a fight or the sort of reply that sends you back to the trauma of your youth, triggers your imposter syndrome, or merely denies your very existence once again to the obvious, but not really knowing what they are doing, amusement of the rest of your family.
That you're hyperaware of your body and its movements. Trying desperately to keep it still and "normal" and not be all weird and attract the attention of the jokers in your family, who will delight in pointing it out. That you're constantly checking where you are looking and how long you do so. The eye contact that you have to fake and desperately trying to ensure that people don't notice what you're doing. That you don't inadvertently zone out and come out of it to realise that everyone's realised that you've been staring blankly at your cousin's tits for the last whatever minutes. Because that's never not uncomfortable, or ends well. Or, that you might inadvertently look at someone who takes that as an invitation to pin you against a wall and talk your ears off, because that's what you really, really, don't want.
And all the time you're desperately trying to remember all the protocols of family and getting on with them. Of accepting the utterly useless piece of crap that they've just given you, as the best Christmas present ever, with the appropriate appreciation and response. Or the food that's offered you, or served for dinner. All the various kindnesses and moments that they lovingly give to you and that you want to deal with well and certainly without disappointing, upsetting, or starting, yet again, the family's favourite game of, who's going to blame you and who's going to defend you and how big an argument and upset is that going to cause and how much of it will be blamed on you anyway.
That ultimately you don't know how long you're supposed to stay, or can stay without running out of steam and letting the whole facade crash around you. Even though you really want to stay and be with your family, but are only too aware that the wheels will come off sooner or later and that no matter how much you'll end up disappointing the ones you love the most, and want to upset the least, that you'll still probably stay too long and disappoint them anyway. And then you end up worrying and dwelling over that and using up the last of what little energy remains, trying to get it right.
So hopefully this explains why you can end up so tired and have a merry Christmas.
[#]Autism
[#]ActuallyAutistic
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@pathfinder
... it was stressful to me just reading that.
Reminds me of my childhood. shudders
@actuallyautistic
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@dave @actuallyautistic
What do you mean childhood? 😆 It's still not far off, even now.
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@pathfinder
My childhood was definitely the worst in terms of family gatherings being stressful and overwhelming.
We would always go to my paternal grandma's house - a small, narrow house - which was packed with all 7 of my aunts and uncles, their spouses, their kids, and sometimes other extended family.
It's been uphill since then, thankfully. These last two years, I've actually been alone for the holidays, because my wife flew back to spend it with the kids while I stayed here with the dogs and participate virtually.
@actuallyautistic
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@dave @actuallyautistic
The best sort of Christmas. 😀
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@dave @pathfinder @actuallyautistic My Christmass tip to avoid family conflicts has been to put distance (a bit less than the diameter of the earth) between me and the event :D
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@olireiv @dave @actuallyautistic
Definitely a winning strategy. 😀
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@dave @pathfinder @actuallyautistic We are halfway between both sets of family: they are 800 miles to the north and 469 miles to the south. It's just the four of us. Very low key. Very relaxing.
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@pathfinder I guess there are some benefits to having minimal contact with my family - I remember those nightmare scenarios - except all my cousins are boys so no tit staring.
:bear_hugs: for however you choose to celebrate.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Or it's simply because you chose to spend it with people you are only randomly connected with through birth, who cause more stress than joy in your life instead of spending it with your true loved ones, who bring more joy then stress, who you normally choose to be in your life... because that's how you were indoctrinated by society to hang out with.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Brilliant as always. Eloquently described. You capture all the different things that make up the day for me.
I cook for me, my wife, our kids and my wife's sister and parents every year. My usual Christmas day:
Wake very early (Kids + Christmas)
Presents
Cup of tea
Prepare /cook ridiculous complex dinner
Interlude as family arrive
Continue cook dinner
Serve dinner
Eat dinner
Clean up
(At this point I am done. The day goes on but I am pretty much a full sponge at this point and I go hide till everyone leaves)
For #actuallyautistic people, we want to be included. We do not want to hide but we need too. Also, we feel guilty that we cannot fit the perfect 'christmas' mould all the time.
Giving virtual huggs, cosy drinks and calming sounds to everyone gor tomorrow
:RainbowInfinity: :blob_cat_coffee:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Morning Kevin 👋😊
That sums it up very succinctly my friend!
Thankfully I don’t have to put up with a lot of that this year as we are having a family meal in a restaurant this year. But a lot of it is still relevant!
I hope you manage to get thru the festive period without too much hassle & triggering! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
😊🫶🐿️🖖
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@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic
Hopefully you'll have a grand day. 😊
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
Well that tells me how you’re feeling about Christmas..,
How good would it be if we could choose which family members we wanted to be with at Christmas? And were able to leave & rejoin according to need?
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@Susan60 @pathfinder @actuallyautistic From my perspective... To see whom I want to see, and not see whom I didnt... would make a huge difference. I want to see Grandma. I do not want cousin there, she interrupts everytime I find myself in a pleasent chatter, she just would not let me enjoy myself.
Grandma, Miss you, want to see, cant stand cousin.
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@Susan60 @pathfinder @actuallyautistic I could go as far to say, cousin had a radar telling her when I was happy, and she had to immediately intervene and break up my joy.
Many many years she would do this to me, so much so, I gave up going to xmas, because of how disruptive she was to my conversations with other family.
One year they'd say they made a quiet room, but it was not appropriate. People walk in, a path to outdoors and would see me and speak to me.
I could not recover.
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@GreenRoc @pathfinder @actuallyautistic
I think some people have that radar, even if they don’t realise it. And a quiet room that is a thoroughfare doesn’t cut it. People might mean well, but don’t get it.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic this is why I'm glad we don't have that sort of traditional family Christmas, and I just go to my boyfriend's (one of the few people who don't drain me) and do normal things in normal clothes. Explains why a big work away day completely knocked me out, though 😅
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@alicemcalicepants @pathfinder @actuallyautistic This explains why I have to have a nap after Christmas socialising (and food, tbf)!
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
Good lords a leaping... You know how I've felt, as if you been in my boots.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic But I dont mindlessly stare at tits, I mindfully stare at housing decor, like a photo frame with ornate metal webbing I can follow with my eyes like I'm playing a game of maze, find my way out of the maze in the frame.
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@GreenRoc @actuallyautistic
:bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic :BlobhajHeart:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Add to this reality of my experiences... one xmas, after 40 years of fancy dress-up every year, showing up in the usual fancy clothes, and everyone else is in PJ's.
Someone forgot to tell me.
Feels like that 'go in pj' memo was neglected to informing me on purpose. Was I shamed for being 'fancy', yes indeed. Add more misery on top of existing misery.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Up until that point, i only knew of casual days with one person not being told, was a deliberate attempt to shame the one person. a scenario that I only knew existed in sitcoms...
...but here I was, irl, the only fancy dress in the whole house of 20+ in PJ's.
I cant help but assume the neglect was deliberate.
I wanted to investigate who chose to do this to me, but I would be shamed if I tried to solve a dilemma which was already said and done.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic My best guess would be my cousin, she has been behaving in a way for all these years, as if she had an obsession to embarrass the hell out of me, shame me, treat me like a thing, interrupt my delights, talk down to me like I'm a baby... pretty sure, she chose that scenario too.
If I ever dare protest, I'm shamed for being unhappy too. She's always been sneaky like that. Deliberately shaming me for years, without anyone else noticing.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
My refusals to attend xmas also shamed, as idf it was my own badness acting on it's own, when the avoidance is 100% because of that one cousin.
How dare I talk publicly about this, how disrespectful of me.... a narrative that carriews on outside of public spaces. How dare I, how dare I.
Damned cousin. Always been her, always. Putting on a pretty show, while continuing to narrate me as the wrongdoer.
Neglecting me from PJ day, can her vile ever be perceived!?
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@pathfinder You just described my past Christmases in a restropective way. Add the yelling and tears and we have the perfect description! 😆
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@adelinej
😊
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic People talking while both music and TV are on is pure misery.
The trick with clothes is to get mildly obsessed with fashion and create outfits that are both fancy and comfortable. The pullover over dress shirt combo pretty much always looks decent and is never a sensory nightmare, at least for me.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic For me it was even worse in some ways.. The person you describe at least seems to have learned what the rules are, even if it's difficult and stressful to follow them. I didn't even see it coming. I was so oblivious to most of the social rules that I only learned I'd transgressed against them when — and if — someone told me.
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@dedicto @actuallyautistic
Indeed, 😔
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@pathfinder
It was a great relief when I stopped listening to the pressure to 'do Christmas' and just enjoy the time off with just the two of us.
@actuallyautistic
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Add to that all my wife's previous activity selling bread and food. 😒
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic my father is orthodox, and my mother is Catholic. we celebrated both Christmases, so I've had this fun experience twice a year with a two week breather, in the dead of winter.
no wonder i decided to opt out of religion at ten. When, I guess, what I actually wanted to opt out of were the aspects of society that make me want to scream my head off and run away to live in a cave in the mountains
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@meena @actuallyautistic
Don't blame you. 😊
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@pathfinder
On point. I am already overwhelmed and exhausted, because like every year we have overnight-christmas guests from the family for a couple of weeks. It's not even christmas, but I had two massive autistic meltdowns in the last two days. I hate christmas, and every year a little more.
@actuallyautistic
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@IsabVann2 @actuallyautistic
:bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic it's like thinking "we HAVE to be happy and festive today! Here's too much of everything for you!" But then it's just too much and the conditions to be happy are not there.
I haven't had a Christmas like that for many years, it was always something I didn't really feel a part of, like watching behind a glass wall. I feel a bit nostalgic for this Christmas magic I never quite experienced.
Now every other year I get to spend the day with my kids, just us, doing whatever is good for us - in 2021 we watched the launch of the James Webb telescope, in 2023 we had a full English breakfast for lunch
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@iridella @actuallyautistic
So much better 😊
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@pathfinder
Another tradition I've long abandoned... And I'm happier for it. All the mess in public from black Friday onward is plenty bad enough, no need to top it off with a forced get together in a situation that seems engineered to be as stressful as it can possibly be. I'll happily do on call duty - it's the perfect justification for staying reasonably sober and leaving any parties early*.
@actuallyautistic
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@pathfinder
@actuallyautistic
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@DL1JPH @actuallyautistic
Sounds so much better 😊
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@pathfinder
And it's completely true, at least for a significant fraction of the German population... I just left out the small detail where I volunteered, knowing full well that is unlikely that the call will happen (though it would be a major emergency if it did!)
@actuallyautistic
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic I already feel super-tired because of all the stress induced by having to find and buy a gift for everyone who'll be there...
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@ScriptFanix @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Over the years I've become less involved in Xmas. I don't believe in Christianity and don't believe in mindless consumerism. For me it is just time with family at a rare moment when everyone is switched off from life. I don't give gifts and have trained everyone to not buy me gifts. That alone takes a lot off. But still with family, being in a noisy chaotic environment that I can't leave, I'm masking and energy is draining being social and as expected.
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@shyestrange @pathfinder @actuallyautistic I've been told not having gifts was not an option. But have been given ideas, so, there's that
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@ScriptFanix @pathfinder @actuallyautistic You could just buy everyone like really bad, totally inappropriate, awful gifts, until they change their minds on the "not an option" policy.... 😝
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic The advantage of growing up the only diagnosed ND in a family chock full of NDs was that our Christmases never resembled that at all.
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@BernieDoesIt @actuallyautistic
So lucky. 😀
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic I really am one of the luckiest autistics in a lot of ways.
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@BernieDoesIt @actuallyautistic
Embrace it, my friend, you may be the hope we all crave.
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@pathfinder What a nightmare this or other parties can be. Although I did use to enjoy some family gatherings as a kid, prob because I was disregarding rules & family (especially my Mom’s side) was so great at letting me be!
The clothes I have given up even having in my wardrobe. I have dark 501 Jeans 👖 & those are now the most formal clothes I have. I just put on a nice m comfy shirt. Even for weddings (which I don’t go to) & funerals (rare), I have no different clothes. But as a kid, the discomfort from what my parents used to insist I wear!
What a great description mof many holidays or group events. Socially I’m more of a 1-on-1 kind of person. Always will be. I can stretch to 1-on-2, maybe 3 for a total of 4. But the more the gloomier…
Christmas is also exhausting just going out shopping right before, and getting ready. This year I just couldn’t for a panoply of reasons and I just end up feeling bad, like I failed while everyone who overdid it around me succeeded though many are sick or depressed or exhausted or all of the above from overdoing it. Is that the example to follow?!
Holidays are bitter sweet to me. Sweet as far as child memories when my Mom used to run herself down with sometime the inevitable depression after… oftentimes I really don’t understand the world around me.
@actuallyautistic
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@jeanoappleseed @actuallyautistic
This time of year is a wealth of conflicted emotions for many of us. Still, I hope you can find some joy within it. ♥️
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@pathfinder Thank you. I normally find joy in the holidays, but to what extent depends on how ready I am. This year it's more of an avoidance game because I never had the time to organize before it arrived. It was like a tsunami for me :)
@actuallyautistic
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic This is helpful to read! Although no one in our family or extended family is autistic, we do have about half of us with #ADD #ADHD and the overstimulation really must be worked out so more people are comfortable. 2/3 of us are very much introverts but there are the ringer extroverts who can be “a bit much”.
As my son Drew is continually slowly increasing with #Alzheimers and #Dementia it is critically important to balance activity to be low key and pace. Be well.
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@pathfinder
@actuallyautistic
My childhood memories, Thanksgiving and christmas, every fucking year, no matter what I did, I'm the one who ruined it.
I tried honest like they demanded. Nope! Ungreatful.
Masking to death? Oh crap, meltdown.
Hiding? Nope, now I'm an asshole.
Couldn't choke down the food, the texture was bad. I'm the ass again.
"Be honest if this gift doesn't work with what you have" Where was Admerial Ackbar when I needed him!
As adult, Im angry and resentful at the holidays
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@pathfinder
@actuallyautistic
I very very very much do not like being given gifts from allists. There is no correct way to react that I can find. Even when I love the gift, I don't have a satisfactory response.
Gifts from autists are fine.
😐 + "Thank you, this is awesome" is a totally accepted response.... and they don't stare at me, waiting for me to react!
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@hellomiakoda @actuallyautistic
Indeed. It doesn't help that, in my experience anyway, the majority of gifts fall into, what the hell do I want that for? and, I asked for X and you've gone out of your way to buy me something completely different and only because you and only you, think it will so much better. I'm pretty sure the finest actors in the world would struggle. How we were ever supposed to get away with it, is beyond me.
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@pathfinder @hellomiakoda @actuallyautistic
.
Plus I have a hard time giving token gifts, I either want to guve something really good or nothing something useful, meant to last, art, or furniture, quality clothes.
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@punishmenthurts @hellomiakoda @actuallyautistic
I tend to be the same. Although, my nieces got money for years, because as a kid I would have far preferred it, to most of the shit I did end up with.
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