Someone burgled our house and beat up our dog, so naturally I worked with them across the aisle to reach a polite compromise where they only took the stuff they wanted and hit the dog as much as they liked. That’s called an orderly transfer of power, AKA democracy. #winning
[#]uspol
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[Westminster] Stressing this was not about undoing Brexit, PM Sir Kier Starmer today announced a reset of British relations with the EU. New policies include: standing outside the EU's house after dark, putting vaguely threatening love notes on their car, and nuisance phone calls. "It's important that we re-establish an effective trade deal with EU", a spokesman said, "and we believe late-night calls consisting of heavy breathing is the right choice for Britain. Also we should kill their pet".
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And now the news, don't touch that dial!
• Starmer announces new policy to "phone EU in the middle of the night and breath heavily"
• DeepBlue achieves "consciousness" and "ennui"
• All is now Reform UK! Bow to its will, subcreatures, and embrace oblivion!
• Wealthy fish offers tours of Washington State to other rich marine animals
[#]ukpolitics #ukpol #news #satire
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That's today's headlines, folks!
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[The Terrordrome] Elon Musk announced the Tesla RAD-X-69 time machine. Wearing an SS uniform, Roman-saluting and proclaiming "Heil Hitler!", he said he was using the event to counter the lazy accusations he is a Nazi: "Filthy vermin! In a moment, your history will change as I travel back and guide my soon-to-be-pal Hitler away from genocide and towards crypto! Blut and Boden!" The RAD-X-69 immediately exploded and Elon was pulled from the fiery wreckage, groggily blaming the woke mind virus.
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[Westminster] Staff say Sir Kier Starmer, Prime Minister, was recycled after taking a nap in a polythene bag on the doorstep of No. 10 today. An aide commented "he snuck off for a crafty kip. Next thing we knew, the dustmen had come and he was gone!" Westminster City Council said: "Unfortunately, we can't help as there's no way to tell Sir Kier apart from all the other paper products". At press time, a bespectacled egg carton was seen in No. 10 boring everyone's tits off about its toolmaker dad.
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[UK] All UK Media announced telescreens were to be added to every home and public space. A spokesman said "We have a duty and we take it seriously: we must amplify stifled voices like Nigel Farage, JK Rowling, Tommy Robinson, Vlad the Impaler and Gozer the Gozerian. Silencing them harms democracy." They added news of a surprising bump in support for both Reform UK and Medieval Romanians. Prince Vlad, speaking from his throne of blood in 1462, said "I just have genuine concerns about the Saxons."
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[London] Labour is to fly ministers to CA to pester every techbro they can find by whining "come on, I'll be your friend?" to boost the economy. UK growth has remained low, despite tax rises, service cuts, and raiding Friar Tuck's poor box. Experts warn the UK economy now consists only of Deliveroo, hedgefunds and managers running to-and-from meetings whilst whooping like Curly Howard. Ministers are authorised to grant techbros exemptions to all UK law and declare "oh you're MEAN!" if refused.
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And now the news, don't touch that dial!
• UK government to whine to techbros to stimulate economy
• British Media announces telescreens in every home to boost suppressed voices
• Starmer accidentally recycled by local council
• Elon Musk counters fascist accusations by visiting 1930's Germany
[#]ukpolitics #ukpol #news #satire
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Companies: when customers are on-hold, make sure to remind them you have a website that has words on it. Bonus points if the website tells them to call.
Keep them on-hold as long as possible. They'll give up, but can't leave unless they speak to you. Plus you can sack all your phone operators. Win-win.
Lastly, carefully curate B-tier pop from 5-10 years ago. Once the phone system lops off the high/low frequencies, compresses it to ~56kbps and runs it through the PSTN it'll sound fantastic.
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Can we all agree that "crossdressing" is the dumbest taboo imaginable? Like, what configuration of logic could possible demand "only people with this junk should drape this type of cloth on their body"?
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If you're a UK performing arts member, or just a UK artist, please write to your MP or complete the UK government's consultation on AI: they intend to make AI copyright-exempt, so they can train on your information to put you out of business. You can complete the survey here https://www.gov.uk/government/consultations/copyright-and-artificial-intelligence and Equity have an email-my-MP template here https://equity.eaction.org.uk/protect-rights-AI/search but I recommend writing your own. Boosts appreciated.
[#]ukpolitics #ai #performingarts #arts #equity
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British media: FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM! FARAGE! REFORM!
Also British media: Reform popularity surges! Inexplicable! Vexing! Must be the public hating woke?
😳🤦♀️🤬
STOP MAKING IT HAPPEN, YOU UTTER PILCHARDS!!!!
[#]ukpol
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Movie idea: a movie where the characters spend the entire film trying to stop their movie turning into the Wallace and Grommit short “The Wrong Trousers”.
Super Soldier: I shall have to let that room out!
Commander: NOOOOO!!!
Terminator: they’re techno trousers! Ex-NASA!
Skynet: NOOOOO!!!
Mafioso: There goes me knotted pine!
Godfather: NOOOOO!!!
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you… Feathers McGraw emerges from shadows
Luke: stares silently and blinks with a kitchen glove on his head
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Until trust is earnt, presume you are being marauded. If trust is broken, revenge.
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nobody knows the twouble I've seen, nobody knows but the wabbit
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I bet his trans friends love his level of support, which basically boils down to “oh, must you? Couldn’t you all be civil so I’m not caught in the middle?”
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Fry is a smug, self-involved luvvie who’s nowhere near as smart as his carefully curated “genius polymath” image implies- I’m not in the least surprised he has no interest in fighting for #trans people because it doesn’t help him in any way. He’s establishment through and through and that always comes first, forever. Go run away to Belgium, you dick.
https://apple.news/AKdMlgECtTPG2L8aZ-AwKBQ
[#]lgbtq #transrightsarehumanrights #ukpolitics
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Just an observation: given what is already on the record about #MattGaetz and how hard his party pushed to keep that inquiry into him a secret… they must fear it to be so bad it’ll even turn hardcore MAGA-heads off of him. What could that be? We’ll know soon enough, but I think we can guess based on his previous “activities”… just a turn a couple of numbers down and a couple other numbers up.
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🎵“Holy infant so tender and mild” …so, more sriracha?
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