Ancestors

Toot

Written by Kay Elúvian on 2025-02-02 at 17:34

And now the news, don't touch that dial!

• UK government to whine to techbros to stimulate economy

• British Media announces telescreens in every home to boost suppressed voices

• Starmer accidentally recycled by local council

• Elon Musk counters fascist accusations by visiting 1930's Germany

[#]ukpolitics #ukpol #news #satire

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Descendants

Written by Kay Elúvian on 2025-02-02 at 17:34

[London] Labour is to fly ministers to CA to pester every techbro they can find by whining "come on, I'll be your friend?" to boost the economy. UK growth has remained low, despite tax rises, service cuts, and raiding Friar Tuck's poor box. Experts warn the UK economy now consists only of Deliveroo, hedgefunds and managers running to-and-from meetings whilst whooping like Curly Howard. Ministers are authorised to grant techbros exemptions to all UK law and declare "oh you're MEAN!" if refused.

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Written by Kay Elúvian on 2025-02-02 at 17:35

[UK] All UK Media announced telescreens were to be added to every home and public space. A spokesman said "We have a duty and we take it seriously: we must amplify stifled voices like Nigel Farage, JK Rowling, Tommy Robinson, Vlad the Impaler and Gozer the Gozerian. Silencing them harms democracy." They added news of a surprising bump in support for both Reform UK and Medieval Romanians. Prince Vlad, speaking from his throne of blood in 1462, said "I just have genuine concerns about the Saxons."

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Written by Kay Elúvian on 2025-02-02 at 17:36

[Westminster] Staff say Sir Kier Starmer, Prime Minister, was recycled after taking a nap in a polythene bag on the doorstep of No. 10 today. An aide commented "he snuck off for a crafty kip. Next thing we knew, the dustmen had come and he was gone!" Westminster City Council said: "Unfortunately, we can't help as there's no way to tell Sir Kier apart from all the other paper products". At press time, a bespectacled egg carton was seen in No. 10 boring everyone's tits off about its toolmaker dad.

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Written by Kay Elúvian on 2025-02-02 at 17:36

[The Terrordrome] Elon Musk announced the Tesla RAD-X-69 time machine. Wearing an SS uniform, Roman-saluting and proclaiming "Heil Hitler!", he said he was using the event to counter the lazy accusations he is a Nazi: "Filthy vermin! In a moment, your history will change as I travel back and guide my soon-to-be-pal Hitler away from genocide and towards crypto! Blut and Boden!" The RAD-X-69 immediately exploded and Elon was pulled from the fiery wreckage, groggily blaming the woke mind virus.

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Written by Kay Elúvian on 2025-02-02 at 17:36

That's today's headlines, folks!

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