@actuallyautistic
I'm just tired.
Such simply words, such small words, to describe the depth of exhaustion and soul numbing weariness, I was so often experiencing when I spoke them. So many times in my life I have, just been tired. That was how I thought of it, how I explained how I felt to myself. I can see, looking back, that many of those times were when I was burntout, at University and afterwards. Or obvious times of great stress, or when I had over worked. But, so often it was just how I felt, just the truth of my existence. I was just so, so, tired.
But, my problem was that I had learnt to judge my life against what I knew. How I'd learnt to see it, in how others seemed to experience theirs, how it was explained in book and film. How it just seemed to be. In my mind, it had all built up into a picture of how hard life should and shouldn't be. And so it never felt that I had the right to be so exhausted, to be such a mess. Because what I had really done, nothing. I knew that depression could have explained it, but that hadn't always felt entirely right to me, except sometimes on the fringes. So all it could ever be was that I was just tired and just tired doesn't mean that you can't push on, it doesn't mean that you can give up and it definitely doesn't mean that you're allowed to ever stop, if only for a little while.
And that was my life, before I realised I was autistic. I suspect many of our lives. A relentless effort, like swimming forever against the tide. But a tide I could never recognise, or see, or rest from, or forgive myself for not being able to beat all the time. The life that can happen when you don't recognise your own needs and when you have no explanation for how tiring...well, everything is and are trying to a live that isn't yours. When you are masking all the time and trying everything you can, to live the life most normal, the life you thought you should have.
So, is it any wonder that major burnout seems almost inevitable for those of us realising this later in life. That we have burnt through so many of the resources and reserves that we could have had. How different it could have been, if only we'd known the differences we could have made and that we were never, ever, just tired.
So, if you ever wonder why I spend so much time on here. This is why.
[#]Autism
[#]ActuallyAutistic
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@pathfinder 🫂❤️
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@pathfinder
💙💙
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
He warned us what was coming...
Johnny Slash with Totally Tired!
https://youtu.be/SuNuftrlsow
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic ...and we are the better for it. So thank you for the beautifully put thoughts!
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@Meyltje @actuallyautistic
Thank you 😊
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic beautifully said, thank you
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@galoot @actuallyautistic
😊Thank you
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Wise words, mate.
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@DziadekMick @actuallyautistic
Thank you. Without cause, it was always so hard to accept how much everything cost and without alternatives, harder still not to keep on paying it.
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@pathfinder "I'm so tired" often felt like it wasn't enough to describe the level of exhaustion that was slipping into everything I was doing. At the same time "exhausted" didn't quite have the same ring to it.
I feel the words we have aren't enough to capture the degree of utter and inescapable shortage of energy that defines being in - what I presume - autistic burnout.
@actuallyautistic
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@alexocado @pathfinder @actuallyautistic my whole life I have been tired. Low blood pressure, low ferritin anemia, burnouts... I don't really know how it is having energy.
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@Cattz @alexocado @actuallyautistic
I think burnouts are the extreme end of what, for many of us, is the natural consequence of living in a world that is so often at odds with our natures.
Until we learn how better to shield ourselves and allow for recharging, we live perpetually in a state of net negative energy.
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@pathfinder @Cattz @alexocado @actuallyautistic 💯, to me the past 2.5 years have been an adventure, much of it was undoing the unhealthy to healthy coping mechanisms and being kind to myself and finding natural healthy activities one step at a time. Accepting myself so I can heal and maybe thrive, instead of survive.
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@EVDHmn @Cattz @alexocado @actuallyautistic
Finally being able to find better ways to cope with, protect myself from and be able to live a better balanced life, has been a wondrous adventure indeed. It's not always easy to break old habits and ways of being. But, knowing so much more now and realising not only the need, but the kindness of doing so, makes such a huge difference.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Stunningly deep and relatable words, my friend. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences with us.
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@AncTreat5358 @actuallyautistic
Thank you 😊
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic before I was diagnosed, I started using the expression "having a meltdown" when I was unable to cope. Without knowing what the other meaning was, it felt a good way to express how debilitating the tiredness can be.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic eloquent, accurate and poignant 🫂 from one exhausted human to another
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@Aspiedan @actuallyautistic
Thank you. :bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
🫂 Burnout is a colossal (insert your preferred string of expletives & descriptors) jerk.
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@Soldusty @actuallyautistic
Indeed it is. :bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic I don't know how many times over the last week I have said to myself "I am so tired".
I am so tired.
It isn't just physical exhaustion. It's mental, emotional -- you name it.
The world is a very hard place for this autist to wake up into these days.
Sending you all the love and care. 🤗
Thanks again for being able to put this particular state of being into words.
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@arisummerland @actuallyautistic
The world was never easy. I'm also pretty sure I never signed up for it to get so much worse, either. :bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder @arisummerland @actuallyautistic
.
a sentiment I've been afraid to express. I've been looking for something, and it seems it's only going to get further away. 💔
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@pathfinder @arisummerland @actuallyautistic
.
I want to say, "Normal people don't KNOW from tired," kind of thing 💜
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@pathfinder So right there with you...
Remember in 2016 when a weasel got into the large hadron collider?
I think that's when we all shifted into a different universe and I never did click agree to this one...
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@arisummerland @pathfinder
🎶 pop goes the weasel 🤡 🎶
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic I’ve learned that when I start saying or even just thinking “I’m just tired” that it’s time to take a good look at what’s going on in my life and how I can adjust.
It’s funny (not at all funny) how we minimize our exhaustion and burnout with that little “just”. As if it’s of no real consequence.
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@CuriousMagpie @actuallyautistic
I'm afraid to say that gaslighting ourselves, may well have been the favourite activity of far too many of us. Although, it's hard not to when the whole world is doing it to us and we have no way of knowing the validity of what we are experiencing, without the reference point that was missing.
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@pathfinder Exactly!
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
🫂
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Thank you for your words. Feeling grateful to finally understand on late age that why I have been tired all my life as well. And to respect that feeling instead of fighting against it or finding quick fixes. Luckily some more fundamental changes like unmasking as understanding myself better has made total exhaustion a less regular guest.
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@rikura @actuallyautistic
Indeed, finally being in a position to understand and cater for this can make such a huge difference.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic my son often says he's tired. I know what it means and make sure he has downtime, decompresses. Some might say to a teenager like him "go to bed earlier" but it's nothing to do with sleep!
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@Havoc_online @actuallyautistic
Indeed. A change in balance, a lesoning of demands, recharging rather than just a good night's sleep, is the only way to help.
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@Havoc_online @pathfinder @actuallyautistic There’s so many different ways to be tired. emotionally, intellectually, physically…. all different things.
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@pathfinder i sometimes wonder if what im feeling really is burnout. But it sure feels like it. I continue to work to try and detect danger before it happens. I’m not always successful. It’s a journey I guess. But your account definitely resonates!
[#]ActuallyAutistic #burnout
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@btaroli
It can be hard to differentiate between burnout and the normal tiredness of age and commitments.
The difference being that sleep isn't the key. It can help, but not in the way that massively reducing demands and expectations can.
The tiredness is a consequence of a form of overload. It isn't just the absence of enough rest.
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@pathfinder Toward the end of 2023 I thought I was making it out of a very long period of burnout and grief. I had started feeling optimism again, was feeling like I had some purpose and direction, and I sometimes felt hope!
Fast forward to the first new month of 2025 and I have said and felt, "I am so tired" so, so, SO many times.
Looking at the macro vs the micro, I'm probably not fully recovered from my previous burnout, and may possibly be slipping into a new phase of burnout.
(The "micro" would be thinking I didn't eat properly, or hydrate properly, or get enough sleep. All of which are factors that play into it, but they are also symptoms, if that makes any sense.)
I appreciate you writing about this, because it has been a gentle reminder to me that burnout is a thing, that I cannot fight my neurology, that I cannot ever mask again to push through things (nor do I want to!), and I need to start to be much kinder to myself overall.
Thank you for the reminder.
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@arisummerland
To be honest I think the older we get, the harder it is to emerge out from the shadows of burnout and the longer it takes. It's also entirely possible that we reach a point where we never fully recover and return to what was.
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@pathfinder @arisummerland
.
Present! sort of. Just the way my life rolled out, the idea of “getting better,” seems weird, like what is “better?” It’s not like we were well, and we got sick and we need to “get better again,” or something. I’m having a hard time not seeing a story that has already been told. 💔
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@punishmenthurts @pathfinder defining that is important. It does change as we age.
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@pathfinder yeah I'm pretty sure I can't return to what was but I certainly would like what is to come to feel better than now. If at all possible...
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@arisummerland
It gets better slowly. You've just got to allow yourself the right recovery plan and stick with it.
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@pathfinder And I've got to want to be kind enough to myself to stick to recovery as well. I trick myself into not caring for the one human I live with 24/7 by getting distracted by everyone and everything else. It's a type of madness.
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@arisummerland
Helping others, often by putting their needs above our own, is no bad trait. Unfortunately all too often we've hid ourselves behind it. Used it to perpetuate what we'd been taught, by society and those around us and by how they'd viewed and treated us. That our self wasn't truth and therefore self-care and emphasising our own needs had no validity.
It's a hard habit to break, even harder to realise that it was never right and that taking care of ourselves is not only right, but good for others too.
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@pathfinder Thank you.
I've long known that you cannot draw water from an empty well, but I still have the tendency to empty the well completely, because somehow I was taught that me having any water at all is "selfish".
Gotta unlearn that! 🤣
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@arisummerland
Indeed, as have I 😊
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic "A relentless effort, like swimming forever against the tide. But a tide I could never recognize, or see, or rest from" yeah. And I got chronic fatigue I have pain medication I take, and therapy I finally got some... recognizing my nervous system is overworked... but I cant stop the tide of people's demands and noises and pace pushing themselves into my life.
I need rest, but tide wont stop. I beg it to stop, and the tide just doesnt listen. Tide wants obedience.
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