Ancestors

Toot

Written by J. R. DePriest :verified_trans: :donor: :Moopsy: :EA DATA. SF: on 2025-01-22 at 16:37

It's really difficult for me to admit that my neurodivergence is a disability. I'm still stuck in the "if I tried harder" mindset.

I've been trying hard and it's not enough.

I'm also transgender and there is so much I should do to insure my safety, but I can't. I have a passport and that was a herculean effort a couple of years ago.

I'm invisible, thankfully. I've worked from home for 15 years. Since the pandemic, we have everything delivered. The only people I see with any regularity are my doctor's and my wife's doctors.

My wife is physically disabled with chronic pain and a short list of other conditions that will only get worse with age. She's also highly ADHD and a tiny, tiny bit autistic. Her disabilities leave her exhausted most of the time.

My primary duty is to take care of her. My job supports this, not just through insurance, but through a boss who understands that self and family are more important that work. I have no trouble taking the time off I need to be there for my wife.

But that leaves little mental bandwidth left for other things. If we had kids, they would be taken away from us due to the state of our house. That's not an exaggeration.

I try so hard but it isn't enough. It will never be enough. I have no close family or nearby friends. I'm embarrassed for anyone to see how bad things have gotten.

My mom and step-dad are coming up for my wife's neurosurgery in two weeks. They aren't staying here but the will see the house. I have no idea if they will react with compassion, disappointment, shock, or something else entirely.

I don't even know where to start.

Right now, I'm just crying a lot and I don't know what else to do.

I feel helpless and a bit worthless.

I want to do the things that need to be done.

I want to and I try, but it doesn't happen.

[#]AuDHD #ADHD #ActuallyAustic

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Descendants

Written by heathen skates on 2025-01-22 at 16:47

@jrdepriest hey there from an internet stranger, I've been deep in those feelings myself as far as housecleaning. It sounds like you're doing so much already with work and caring for a disabled spouse, and then the added stress and anxiety of being trans in this sociopolitical climate. I wanted to reassure you that it's normal to not have a pristine house in those conditions.

Would you be able to perhaps hire a cleaner to get things in a state that would ease your mind before your relatives come? Or would they be willing to help? Many times people are happy to help if they know how.

I just wanted to make sure you know you're not alone. I've also beat myself up a lot for my house not being in as nice of shape as I'd like. I just keep telling myself if people want to judge, that's on them, I'm doing the best I can. I know you're doing the best you can too. 💜

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Written by J. R. DePriest :verified_trans: :donor: :Moopsy: :EA DATA. SF: on 2025-01-22 at 19:02

@heathen

We do need to look into someone to help clean, but I'm worried they'd see the state of things and bale out.

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Written by Jack Linke 🦄 on 2025-01-22 at 16:58

@jrdepriest Wish I could give a hug. All I have to offer is the fact that YOU are not the state of your house.

Whatever your parents may express, they aren't living your experience.

You are valuable as you are.

Are you surviving? Are you there for your wife? Are you getting enough to eat and keep warm and find bits of happiness? Then you're doing "the things that need to be done" and the rest is just society's shitty expectations.

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Written by J. R. DePriest :verified_trans: :donor: :Moopsy: :EA DATA. SF: on 2025-01-22 at 19:04

@jack We are surviving. We are warm. We have food. We take care of each other.

Thanks for the internet hug.

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Written by Kevin Davy on 2025-01-22 at 18:38

@jrdepriest

I find that judging ourselves by the standards of those more able than us, is rarely worth it. We can only do X amount in any given day and if that is already entirely taken up, what more can we do? :bear_hugs:

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Written by Chroniques autistes 🇨🇦 on 2025-01-22 at 18:53

@jrdepriest 🫂

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Written by mkb on 2025-01-22 at 19:25

@jrdepriest Some of the best (and hardest to implement) advice I have received is “Be gentle with yourself.”

Give yourself permission to be imperfect. It takes time. A useful place to start (at least for me) was paying attention to the way I talk to myself. “I should really…” becomes “I would like to…” “That was stupid of me” becomes “I wish I hadn’t made that mistake. Trying to do better doesn’t have to mean self-denigration.

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Written by mkb on 2025-01-22 at 19:27

@jrdepriest Regardless, I’m sorry it’s hard. Many of us have similar struggles. We see you. We believe in you.

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