@actuallyautistic
Been one of those days when I can hardly keep my eyes open. I knew it would be, as this is the first day off I've had since Christmas and also I have to go back to work tomorrow. So my brain has basically leapt at the chance to go and huddle in a corner and whimper to itself piteously, whilst snarling at me, if I have the audacity to try and prod it into doing something.
Which, by this point in December, is hardly surprising. This, under normal circumstances anyway, is by far my worst month of the year. It starts with all the stress of shopping. I really fucking hate Christmas shopping, both trying to work out what to get people and, of course, all the hassle and pain of getting it. Everywhere is far too busy, the roads, the shops, even if you try to go when it's quieter. You've got all the bright lights and Christmas cheer blasting out of everywhere and all the people milling and blundering about, with all the thoughtfulness of a herd of charging Rhinos.
Then, living alone, I have to do all the preparing required to deal with the upset to my routines that come with this time of year. Working out when and how, I'm going to get things done. What needs doing, by which point. When I'm going to cook and what, to make sure that food isn't an issue. Anything extra that needs to be bought and when I can do that. And all, whilst managing the extra work that obviously comes from being a taxi driver at this time of year. And that, in itself, is stressful enough. Anyone who has to work with the public, will tell you what a bunch of withering arseholes they can become at this time of year. Either expecting too much, or that it has to be now, or that you have to be a happy bubbling cauldron of Christmas cheer, whilst you service their every petty whim and getting really arsey when you're not and are just trying to get on with your damn job.
And all of this, so that you can enjoy the "big day". Which, if you are single, or without kids, will almost certainly involve travelling, spending it at someone else's home and relentlessly masking, whether you mean to, or not. Because you know, only too well, how much shit will hit the fan, if you are anything less than perfect and certainly if your facade cracks and people see how much it's taking just to be with the family you love and in the situation that you want to be in and inevitably misread that in some horrible way, that will be a mark against you until the end of your days and that you'll never hear the end of. And then, of course, and unless you are really lucky, repeat for New Year.
So, if like me, you've ever wondered why you always seem drained and depressed and possibly burntout, after this most wonderful time of the year, wonder no more.
[#]Autism
[#]ActuallyAutistic
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic shout that a little quieter, I'm in overload. :) I have never seen such a well written diescription of what the holidays are like for an autistic in my life. This is exactly it. i haven't the taxi cab job, or the literal everything in this, but the feels, are real. all the yep. Like I said, in humour, shoult that a little quieter, I"m in overload.... Nah screw it, hands you a mic, then turns the knob that turns up the reverb, There ya go Kevin, you got reverb, and a microphone, shout this shit!
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@cordova5029 @actuallyautistic
Thank you π It's so easy to end up pushing ourselves far too hard and forgiving ourselves far too little. Old habit, from when we didn't know better, as much as anything.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic even thoughI know better I still set myself to standards even regular nt people push themselves to. I'm hrader on myself, than necessary, for no reason. Apparently I deserve it, oh wait, crock o shit. Crock overflowing with shit. WE autistics aren't made of glass, but our material is dentable than regular peoples. I don't jsut mean nt, I mean regular, standard issue, more than just nt, because even nt's have struggles, they just handle them better, but them regular people. The people that make up society and the people who everyone thinks will be upset, the them that's in your head. They're the people we think we have to impress, and ya know what? They don't frigging exist!
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@cordova5029 @actuallyautistic
So often the choice was between perfection, or failure in the eyes of those we loved. Or at least that is how it seemed to us. It never was, of course. But, without understanding why we were, the way we were, I'm not sure how else it could have been.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic when I discovered exactly what it meant to be autistic, I instantly knew everything was right. I knew it wouldn't be easy but it was like, holy crap... autistic doesnt' mean super slow or special? it means strange unique and frigging awesome? oh, cool. I'll be Ausome
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@cordova5029 @actuallyautistic
Definitely π
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic we're all terrified that someone mysterious person is going to be walking behind us constantly correcting our every single something, telling us, oh you didn't do this well enough, you didn't do these 5 things you said you'd do at 8 am and it's no 7 pm and you haven't done a singl one, your'e a terrible horrible no good very bad human, and you shouldn't get to do any stimmy activities until you do only the adult hard activities, because nose to the grindstone makes the money, makes you happy. OK, well you infernal piece of donkey droppings horrible freak in my head, telling me this stuff... I'm autistic damn it, and I"M made of more complecated material, and I fluctuate from hour to hour sometimes with in the same hour even. I could want to do a thing, and am about to do it, but then someone tells me to do it. Now i don't even want to contemplate thinking about contemplating the idea of the activity, the task the what ever. I wanted to, but you mentioned it. OK, sorry this is now the xander Rants programme. lol.
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@cordova5029 @actuallyautistic
Our brains, can be wonderful things. Not always our best friend, mind.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
π± :bear_hugs:
Rest up and f everything else.
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@CuriousMagpie @actuallyautistic
I will have a week off soon, just to crash and burn in. π
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@pathfinder Will you have the chocolate log like last year?
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@CuriousMagpie
Currently finishing off my second one. Bugger the weight I'm putting on, it's Christmas π
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@pathfinder Exactly! Enjoy every morsel π
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@CuriousMagpie
It is my favourite treat of the year.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic can relate.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic this! ππ» So much of this... Single. No kids. Always going to my parents with Xmas. Out of my routine. Away from my safe space where I can easily unwind. All is overwhelming, with the cheer, music, lights, all the people thinking of themselves.... Yeah, when the new year finally starts, I am so exhausted and drained... So yeah, I totally feel this! :bear_love:
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@PixysJourney @actuallyautistic
It's the time of year, when we really do have to cut ourselves extra slack. If we're not entirely keeping on top of things, or our routines slip, it's hardly surprising.
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@pathfinder @PixysJourney @actuallyautistic
.
ty
on that note, enough today, weβll deal with groceries tomorrow. π
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic indeed! The last week's of the year are always hard. But now I know this and it makes it a bit easier to deal with. But feeling so drained and exhausted is never a good thing...
It's almost done and dusted! π€
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@PixysJourney @pathfinder @actuallyautistic If you feel comfortable doing it, I honestly recommend trying a Xmas by yourself in your own space. It obviously depends on everyone's individual circumstances but I've found it's absolutely lovely. And it doesn't have to be every year. But having the option to opt out of the "big day" occasionally is a real relief in my experience. β€οΈ
And you get to stay in your PJs & eat whatever you want for dinner! βΊοΈ
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@gremlinchild @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Ow I would not mind Xmas or nye on my own. But my dad is ill with cancer, so it may be the last times that we can celebrate these together. So when mum asked me... But honestly, I would not mind just treating these days like any other ones.
No PJ days though, as I do need to walk the dog π and it's a bit cold in just PJs π
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@PixysJourney @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Ah yes, I can totally understand that circumstance. It's very tough. I'm similarly minded in that I have no problem treating Xmas & NYE as just any other day & make time to see family at other, less stressful times. But a lot of people seem to put weight on these days in particular as being the ones that family will appreciate the most. I don't get it myself, but I guess it's an outcome of culture/tradition.
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@gremlinchild @pathfinder @actuallyautistic yeah for me it's just another day as well. I never understood all the commotion with Xmas and new years.... They're just days that pass by... Maybe that's the autistic side in me? π€ I dunno...
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
π« Hang in there friend.
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@Soldusty @actuallyautistic
Just a few more days and then routine can be re-established. That's always a relief. π
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
You should fake your death every season and stay home π
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@Mepurfield @actuallyautistic
Tempting, but unworkable after the first time. Most, although possibly not all, would notice π€
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Thank you for so clearly explaining how holidays are for autistic folks.
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@AncTreat5358 @actuallyautistic
They obviously vary for each of us. But, the essence seems the same. If only others could understand the effort we put in and the reasons why it can hurt so much.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
Yes. So much.
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@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic
:bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Morning Kevin ππ
You touched on something right at the end that rang a distinct bell, I live with my wife so again we tend to go to be with others at this time of year.
Christmas Day lunch with my MiL was fairly gruelling but I thought I enjoyed most of my vist to see my family on Saturday. Sunday however I was knackered! I mean getting up & wobbling to the loo barely able to stand up knackered! Itβs taken a good 48 hours to get back to my normal levels of stress etc.
There was a LOT of peopling on Saturday (& Christmas Day TBF) with much sitting heavily on reactions to triggers & much keeping up a cheerful façade & trying to keep up with multiple conversations at once.
Iβm lucky, we tend not to do anything external for New Year - we stay up & see the New Year in with booze & plenty of food & phone family at the appropriate time but we stay at home.
Another thing that I have noticed is that I have shrunk more into myself as the Festive Season got closer, being less active on here & not wanting to co-op with others, I wonder if my brain was following yours & simply looking for a decent table to hide under so it could whimper away until Jan 2nd!?
I hope that you managed to derive some joy from the festivities & that 2025 will be a better year for us! ππ«ΆπΏοΈπ
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@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic
It's easy to overlook the energy drain, because it's not something that is experienced by others to anything like the same degree. So until we begin to understand and accept it, it's not something we can really prepare for. Doesn't mean the body doesn't though.
Hope you have a most excellent night tonight and that Sir Geoff gives you the New Year gift of being kind and civil about it.
π
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Thanks Kevin.
Indeed!
Thanks my friend, I really hope Geoff keeps his temper - I wonβt go too mad though!
Have a good one! ππ«ΆπΏοΈπ
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic π« Take care gently.
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic π« I can only imagine. I have 3 kids and a wife, and its the feeling of guilt of wanting time alone that hurts me. I am fortunate to have people I care about that forces me to do much I would never do, and keeping me going, but this time of year just pulls me apart. I know each persons circumstances are their own, and just hope you get through ok, and know yiur words carry weight and respect!
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@Aspiedan @actuallyautistic
:bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder
The permanent sensory overload from all the added noise, lights, ... certainly doesn't help matters. I've been close to burnout for months now and while I avoid the end of year mess as much as I possibly can, I've found myself relying on drugs far more than usual, just to avoid meltdowns/panic attacks. It's not a good time.
@actuallyautistic
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@DL1JPH @actuallyautistic
Definitely not :bear_hugs:
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic thank you for this Kevin. I'm sorry your work is so pressured on top of everything else. Every year I notice in all the struggling and mental gymnastics that I'm managing a bit less. That makes me quite afraid. As if that's not bad enough, you have the horrible transition back to not Christmas again afterwards.
I hope you're surviving you make it out the other side in one piece.
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@autoperipatetikos @actuallyautistic
I think the trick for the decreasing capacity of age, is to increase the ability to say, no and to concentrate on ways we're slowly learning to nurture ourselves.
The often unavoidable intensity of this time of year, is what makes this hard. But, also what makes slipping back into those comfortable groves easier each time.
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