@actuallyautistic
Been one of those days when I can hardly keep my eyes open. I knew it would be, as this is the first day off I've had since Christmas and also I have to go back to work tomorrow. So my brain has basically leapt at the chance to go and huddle in a corner and whimper to itself piteously, whilst snarling at me, if I have the audacity to try and prod it into doing something.
Which, by this point in December, is hardly surprising. This, under normal circumstances anyway, is by far my worst month of the year. It starts with all the stress of shopping. I really fucking hate Christmas shopping, both trying to work out what to get people and, of course, all the hassle and pain of getting it. Everywhere is far too busy, the roads, the shops, even if you try to go when it's quieter. You've got all the bright lights and Christmas cheer blasting out of everywhere and all the people milling and blundering about, with all the thoughtfulness of a herd of charging Rhinos.
Then, living alone, I have to do all the preparing required to deal with the upset to my routines that come with this time of year. Working out when and how, I'm going to get things done. What needs doing, by which point. When I'm going to cook and what, to make sure that food isn't an issue. Anything extra that needs to be bought and when I can do that. And all, whilst managing the extra work that obviously comes from being a taxi driver at this time of year. And that, in itself, is stressful enough. Anyone who has to work with the public, will tell you what a bunch of withering arseholes they can become at this time of year. Either expecting too much, or that it has to be now, or that you have to be a happy bubbling cauldron of Christmas cheer, whilst you service their every petty whim and getting really arsey when you're not and are just trying to get on with your damn job.
And all of this, so that you can enjoy the "big day". Which, if you are single, or without kids, will almost certainly involve travelling, spending it at someone else's home and relentlessly masking, whether you mean to, or not. Because you know, only too well, how much shit will hit the fan, if you are anything less than perfect and certainly if your facade cracks and people see how much it's taking just to be with the family you love and in the situation that you want to be in and inevitably misread that in some horrible way, that will be a mark against you until the end of your days and that you'll never hear the end of. And then, of course, and unless you are really lucky, repeat for New Year.
So, if like me, you've ever wondered why you always seem drained and depressed and possibly burntout, after this most wonderful time of the year, wonder no more.
[#]Autism
[#]ActuallyAutistic
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