Morning everyone.. it's been a tumultuous few days fr us. Friday morning had us scrambling to move everything out of the motel because we couldn't make that day's payment. I foolishly forgot that if we stayed more than two months here, the rate would drop substantially. Two months was.. Friday morning.
After we left - our car crammed so full of our immediate belongings that our border collie couldn't lay down - and headed to our storage unit to drop things off, I started to unravel. I was so filled with rage at myself for letting this happen that I couldn't stop giggling; it became a hysterical, involuntary cackling. It was quite unsettling. I almost had my partner take me to the ER because I felt so out of control.
We were literally within hours of nearly halving the rate from what we were paying initially, but I failed to realize it because I honestly didn't expect us to make it this long before we were out on the streets. All of that evaporated instantly once we checked out, and we now start at the beginning again.
Soon after I had no choice but to go to work while my partner and our puppy sat outside in the cold car. I was struggling to maintain any sense of composure because I just could. not. stop. internally screaming at how close we'd gotten and I still managed to fuck it up. How did I forget about all of this? How did I let us end up homeless again??
A couple of hours later, one of my partner's online friends donated enough to us for several nights' stay here and we've been housed since then. The only room they had available at that moment was handicap-accessible and so yesterday morning we had to scramble once again to pack up everything and move in less than 24 hours.
At least this time it was same-building. My partner had to do 95% of the work to accomplish all this the past few days between my mini-breakdown and me coming down with.. something. Cold, flu, covid, I'm not sure. All I know is I feel like crap and can't call in because money. Yay capitalism.
Of course, this week marks the beginning of reduced hours because of the standard retail holiday shopping season winding down. So our rate is now the same as in the beginning but I have even less money come in now.
My job isn't really that bad in moderation; 20-25 hours is tolerable, but 35-40 hours is enough to emotionally and physically deplete me to an extremely inconvenient degree. The problem is we can't survive on my wages even at 40+ hours a week, let alone having them slashed in half.
I am so goddamned tired of all of this. I am so damned tired of begging. I am so tired of leeching and putting all of our personal goodwill at risk. I'm so tired of opening an empty fridge. I'm so tired of listening to our poor dog whine because we're rationing his food and his impatient ass can't tolerate it. I'm so tired of never going anywhere or doing anything because we're too broke, too tired, too depressed, too triggered or some combination of the three.
I've always been a clown since I was a small child because I was so desperate for attention that any attention was better than nothing even if it was negative and I tried my best to suffocate that part of me for years to become socially acceptable. I'm no good at anything else. I'm too hard-headed to be a drone and too awkward and emotional to be in charge of anything critical.
I want to entertain people. I want my shitposts to make someone smile when they're feeling just like I'm feeling right now. I want to be the one to give someone a few minutes' reprieve from the apocalyptic hell that is the current state of our planet.
Maybe my aspirations aren't monetarily worthy of others' time and attention, but my god I think this world could use all the light-heartedness and laughter and love that we can get. I guess I'll just try to keep entertaining in my spare time until I die a premature death due to self-inflicted neglect and excessive wear from work, trying to outrun entitled Karens desperately demanding clearance prices on items very clearly not on clearance.
At this point I'm not sure where I was going with all of this but suffice to say, I'm exhausted, I feel like shit, I'm tired of being poor, and I'm enraged that this is still happening to anyone now that we're 1/4th of the way through the 21st century.
That's the news from Lake Wobegon.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread | More toots from LibertyForward1@beige.party
text/geminiThis content has been proxied by September (ba2dc).