I think more and more that gender is not for me, thanks, but on the other hand, it's kinda fun to mess with what feminine is??? But on the other other hand, it has been lonely and I have felt rejected a lot because I never got super into performing acceptable femininity. Most of the time I would put the female suit on and wait to feel the fantasy and it just never happened and I felt like a massive imposter. "But I have the lady shoes on, the whole outfit is in place... why doesn't anyone like me?"
Anyone I've ever been in a relationship with (except my first boyfriend, long story) has had wobbly gender and it feels right. I just wanna be where the people who understand me are, just hovering slightly in the periphery and operating without surveillance and control.
How much of this has anything to do with being fat? I think it's all part of the story. Fat people are desexualised but also reprimanded for not gendering enough. You're a fat woman? No! You're MANLY! Women are soft and slender! You're a fat man? No! You're WOMANLY! Men are solid and muscly! Like, you quickly find out how much of a construct gender is when you're a fat person. It's all made up!
Personally, I don't care much what pronouns people use for me... although I don't super love he/him, but ultimately it doesn't affect me much. I don't want to change anything about my name or what I look like. I can't wait to be done with perimenopause, I have never needed the reproductive bits.
Sewing my own clothes for years has helped me form a personal style that isn't reliant on gender norms or fashion trends. It's probably been a huge factor in becoming comfortable in my body because I can design for what I feel good in instead of shoehorning myself into mass produced garments that are made for no one in particular.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TEDtalk about my lack of gender.
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