Ancestors

Trying Nudevember again and I'm happy with these 4 pictures so far. It's been a while since I tried to make pictures so I can say it's not that bad for a restart.

Also, I went to the swimming pool and had diner with my friends and it's always a very nice time. I feel tired but super relaxed because of the swimming, it's working well on me.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-05 at 23:32

I played Minecraft again tonight and I still love to begin new maps with other people.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-06 at 21:50

I had a long meeting online tonight but I needed to get some things off my shoulders and it helped.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-07 at 21:32

Really hard to find something today.

At least I'm COVID/flu vaccinated.

Edit: one of my friends gave me a nice little gift.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-08 at 20:04

This is gonna be very hard right now. But I need to write something or my head will explode.

I cried so much yesterday night and today that my eyes hurt. Luckily I asked for help and wasn't alone the whole day.

I knew it would be hard. I mean. I already know how it feels to lose someone you love so much. But I didn't think I would miss the chance to say goodbye again. Not like that. Not after all these years thinking about how to deal with it.

I don't think I have something really positive to write about today. But I'll remember those years together as just as precious that they were. And all the people around us, all the things we did all together. Especially thinking about the people you are leaving behind and that I get the chance to know and to love today. They're a fucking precious gift.

As you said to me once: "Ce monde est mieux avec toi pour l'habiter." And yes, the world was a better place with you in it. But it's just a ride.

As I said before: so long, love.

Amanda Palmer - The Ride

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGwFtdVpVMI

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-09 at 21:59

Today I felt it again. This fucking tremendous love. Not just for him, but for her, and her, and him. Today is the second day, where my broken heart is feeling I'm not alone in this and they're all around, feeling it. Sadness is still here, but they're too.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-10 at 23:36

I didn't cry as much as yesterday.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-11 at 23:28

Today I had very long conversations with people I admire a lot and I was invited to a birthday party.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-12 at 22:18

Didn't die I guess.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-13 at 23:25

It is very hard.

Some people are here. I feel grateful but ashamed.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-15 at 00:37

Still very hard to be in this situation where you're not enough. So tired.

I saw a dear friend tonight after another one took care of my hair. Also: no panic attack today.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-15 at 20:08

Again, a hard day (days without tears: 0) but I gave my blood and it was about time (2013).

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-16 at 22:42

Tears again but I saw some friends. Stressed out by the next days but I won't be alone.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-18 at 00:35

A lot of tears but a lot of laughs also. Dear friends are here.

I've met some really nice people for real tonight.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-18 at 23:41

I don't know how I'm able to type words right now. It's been terrifying, weird, sad, beautiful, nice, interesting, hopeful...

Too much.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-20 at 21:56

I managed to do some chores and a bit of work today and that's a miracle.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-22 at 00:02

I heard the voice of my sister through the phone.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-23 at 08:31

The rest of the band gave me a condolence card. They were very nice to me.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-23 at 23:22

We watched Sister Act together tonight.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-25 at 00:48

In all this nonsense, between the tears, I shared something and felt it stronger while the music changed a bit.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-27 at 06:08

Live session with Echap went well.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-27 at 23:22

Loved ones everywhere today. <3

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-28 at 21:17

Emotions, emotions, emotions.

(both)

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-29 at 22:34

Family time and good food today, but also, I heard a very nice voice over the phone.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-11-30 at 23:09

Feeling weirdly sad and happy at the same time. I found something new, and I decided to keep it with me.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-01 at 22:21

I had nice family time today.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-03 at 07:23

Coming back home was a good idea and I'm with Perséphone again.

Also, feelings.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-03 at 22:34

I managed to do my workouts again today after stopping 3 weeks ago. I also lost 5-6kg during this same period, and it's not that good. But I'm trying to see a silver lining here: I may be able to wear my old pants again. And weirdly... I feel better in my body somehow. And still. Feelings.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-04 at 22:12

Working out + physiotherapy + 1km in the water. I hope I'll get a good night of sleep after that.

Also I did a lot of work and made plans.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-05 at 21:24

Worked a lot today.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-07 at 13:23

I had a really great night, we worked on a recorded and filmed rehearsal for a teaser and I hope it'll be nice, but we had so much fun.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-07 at 23:02

I managed to do a lot of things today even I had the feeling that everything had been turned upside down.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-08 at 22:53

It's been one month. I'm not crying everyday and that's a relief. I chose to set boundaries with some people and I chose to be closer to others. I still feel very lucky to have certain people in my life. I learn a great deal from them. They're like gifts I'm never expecting. And tonight, even if I can still feel this supermassive black hole inside, I feel loved and valued. Well. I may cry after all.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-09 at 23:49

I had a nice call with someone I like very much today.

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Toot

Written by _lila* on 2024-12-11 at 00:41

I unlocked a success on InDesign so I'm a bit proud.

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Descendants

Written by _lila* on 2024-12-11 at 23:49

I had (surprise!) extra work when I've been told to call the printshop and manage things directly with them. But I did it anyway and learn stuff I could have known since the beginning, months earlier. Still, now I know what to do and I don't need someone in between to deal with it.

Also: swimming, friends, pizzas, nudes and feelings.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-12 at 23:01

Slightly drunk at the queer bingo with one of my best friends and I wish I could be more drunk than that because I've been waiting for it for more than one month. Still. We won some stuff and had a great evening together. Love them so much.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-13 at 22:51

Today I finished the first draw of a big project with Echap. Now I need reviews so I'll do another big project because of deadlines. But I think this first one will be a success and I must say I'm a bit proud of it.

I forgot to add that I found some stuff for the winter and played ukulele.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-14 at 22:40

Today I cooked something, saw my nibbling, worked a bit on some songs and played ukulele. I also talked a lot with people I like.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-15 at 21:26

I did some chores, worked a little bit and managed to get my tickets for this thing I've been dreaming about since I was a child. So it feels more real than ever.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-16 at 22:45

I was afraid to collapse because today was his birthday. But I seemed to have managed. I received a nice letter, had nice talks and worked. To be overwhelmed with work is actually a good idea. That and, to feel loved.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-17 at 22:10

Today was another day of intensive work, still trying to get everything done before the deadline. Opened the letter, tried to write the beginning of an answer. Went to a cute exhibition of art students. Had a pizza.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-18 at 22:32

Work work work but I ate a mango today so it can't be a bad day.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-20 at 00:22

Hopefully I reached two very big deadlines today and I can rest a bit (meaning prepare stuff for the end of the year :gribz_down:).

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-21 at 00:02

I visited the new bookshop in my neighborhood, it's pretty nice.

I read 3 books tonight.

Echap got a second grand for next year (50% less than this year but eh, still something).

These days, work was filling my mind so tonight was a bit harder but I still feel that I can manage and I feel the love around me.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-21 at 22:58

This day was nice. Wrapped some gifts. Did some cleaning, todolists for next days, found the dessert for the evening of december 24.

The cat is lying on my arm on my desk as I type this message. Very annoyed that I'm in fact typing something but still staying here.

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Written by _lila* on 2024-12-22 at 20:32

That supermassive crush is growing into something else I guess. I don't really know. But fuck I needed something like that. It's beautiful and amazing. The teen in my head is jumping and screaming out loud. Oh my.

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