Next time you’re going to be away from the internet for an extended period of time, instead of announcing it, just post something like “Whoa, I wonder what’s in this cave!”
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
“Fake It ‘Til You Bake It” my new inspirational cookie cookbook.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Before you ask me for advice, you should know that I just saw a sign on a fence that said "Not ice" and thought "Who would think this was ice?" before realizing it said "Notice".
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Spiders must have had it made in the 70’s. So easy to just blend in with the wood paneling everywhere. Now they are frantically trying to evolve into the shape of “Live Laugh Love” stickers.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
(For this joke pretend I live in an apartment building owned by two ducks and they live on the first floor and I’m walking down the stairs to give them my rent check.)
Me: (loudly) Time to pay the bills!
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
One of the scariest things I did as a child was to slide the button to retract a fully extended 25 foot metal tape measure as I held it in my hands. It was a furious razor snake running straight for my delicate fingers.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Son: So, you just sit in a chair?
Me: I'm writing.
Son: And taking a nap?
Me: That's what writing looks like.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Rule of thumb refers to the years 1285-1323 in which Lucian Thumb was the king of the nation of Gullyhug.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Please accept this sample of my breath. I have encased it in this latex prison that I twisted into the shape of a dog.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: I keep having hot and cold Flashes.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
M’laundry.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Before you ask me for advice, you should know that I just cleaned my left AirPod twice before realizing it’s actually my ear that was clogged.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
When I do the laundry I always get tricked by my wife’s pants as I spin them round and round trying to check the pockets that don’t exist.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
To get your adult name, take your childhood first name and replace it with “I’m so” and then change your last name to “tired.”
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Yeah, that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how I got in this situation.
(22 minute film about how vinyl records are made.)
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
I want to see a local ice cream truck put on snow tires and drive around selling hot chocolate, shovels and sidewalk salt.
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
Hey babe, wanna see my special move?
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
[I peel the wrapper off a fresh chapstick]
Before you dismiss my actions as reckless and irresponsible, know that just now, before I walked in this room, I threw out an empty chapstick that I used from start to finish without misplacing it.
[Jury goes nuts]
Judge: Not guilty!
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
When I was a kid, I saw a sign on a building that said “Adult Book Store” and legitimately thought it meant “Those boring books with all the words and no pictures.”
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
We just met
And I'm a whale
Here's my number
Call me Ishmael
=> More informations about this toot | View the thread
=> This profile with reblog | Go to Chrishallbeck@mastodon.social account This content has been proxied by September (ba2dc).Proxy Information
text/gemini