I'm around 50 years old. I've had many pets. and I've experienced the loss of most of them in one way or another. This is a poem about what that feels like.
You Are Cold
You were vital once.
Vibrant, singing, curling around my legs.
Your reverence was reflected in your dilated pupils.
And outstretched arms.
Was I your companion? Your mother?
Your goddess?
I am the one who loves you.
Unconditionally.
Food?
Water?
Shelter?
Yours.
Given freely.
Health?
As much as I could offer.
As much as I could bear.
As much as I could afford.
Six months ago, you were bright.
Bright and eager.
To my voice.
To the rattle of the bag.
To tell me how much you adored me.
How much you trust me.
Slower than I expected.
Not hesitating.
You never hesitated.
You didn't tell me how much it hurt.
You couldn't tell me.
But I knew.
I could see it in your lidded gaze, your trembling limbs.
Hear it in your crackling voice and panting breaths.
The blood tests and urine tests and examinations were conclusive.
It was confirmed.
Options. Options. Options.
We had options.
How much is my love worth?
How much is yours?
A thousand dollars?
A million?
All the money in the world?
How much is one more year worth?
One more month?
Would I keep you forever?
Yes.
But would I love you enough to do what is best for you?
Can I love you that much?
Can I see beyond the fear of what grief might come?
Can I focus on your personal well-being?
Can I make the best decision even if it isn't the decision I want?
You were vital this morning.
You were warm just hours ago.
You were in my lap.
You were purring.
You were shaking.
You were kneading.
You were drooling.
I stayed by your side the whole time.
I didn't think I'd be able to, but I did.
I did it because I love you and I want you to know.
I want you to never not know how much I love you.
I want your last image before you close your eyes to be me.
Beaming. Smiling, Crying.
Remembering.
The first moment when you were the size of a Twinkie.
When I saw you and said, "that's the one" because you were the smallest.
You were the smallest and I wanted to take care of you.
I wanted you to always know you were special.
That you were loved.
You were quick and curious.
You climbed and ran and swiped and chased bugs and found every nook and hiding spot.
You were lean and muscular, smooth furred, brilliant eyes.
You brought me laughter and joy.
You brought me peace.
Even as you drank out of my glass of water when I wasn't looking.
Even as you knocked another plant off the mantle.
Even as you brought fleas into the house.
You accepted me as family.
You and I are family.
We were family.
We are family.
But.
Now you are cold.
Curled up peacefully.
You are cold and I cannot look at you.
I cannot look at you because you are not there.
Now?
Now you live only in my heart.
And you will keep me warm.
Forever.
[#]Love #Pets #LossOfPet #Grief
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