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Written by Mallory's Musings & Mischief on 2025-01-28 at 17:56

I'm having one of those moments when I'm overwhelmed with cynicism, nihilism, and grief, and I feel compelled to vent even though doing so will only trash the mood of everyone around me and myself.

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Written by Mallory's Musings & Mischief on 2025-01-28 at 18:22

It isn't so much that I think about how everything I do is meaningless. The problem is when I feel like everything I do is meaningless. It's basically impossible to logic my way out of a neurochemical cascade that's been triggered by something I don't understand.

I woke up feeling empty and worthless. You can tell me my life has value, but I can't feel it. I don't know how to reverse it other than waiting it out. Trying to rationalize away the existential pain only deepens it.

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Written by Mallory's Musings & Mischief on 2025-01-28 at 18:45

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my default reaction to feeling down is to try to talk and logic my way out of it, but that only helps if the source of the pain is my own thoughts.

Often I'm swamped by feelings I can't rationalize with because they didn't come from my mind. I need feel my way out in those situations, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to intentionally alter my emotional state with any reliability.

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Toot

Written by Mallory's Musings & Mischief on 2025-01-28 at 19:08

I actually did one of the things the docs suggest to improve mood and exercised a bit. Just walked up and down the stairs long enough to get my heart rate up.

I also spent some time staring at the sun (using eclipse glasses lol)

I do feel a bit better, but still not great.

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