Mark, owner of Smashwords: π¦ Okay Draft2Digital, I'll sell you my company whose userbase is full of the kinkiest people you can possibly imagine, but you've gotta promise to let them continue being kinky
Draft2Digital: π΄ oh we promise
π¦ And don't do anything too fucked up, alright?
π΄ we promise
π¦ OK
New email, from: π΄ subject: AUTHOR POLL on attractiveness of mousetrap; is this mousetrap hot enough to fuck? Have your say here
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π° lowering dick slowly towards gaping mousetrap I know you think I shouldn't do this, but have you considered that NOT doing this would actually be problematic?
π¦πΊπ¦π« cries of anguish and DON'T DO IT etc
π° Bigots. You're all bigots. K-SNAP OW WHAT THE FUCK
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π¦πΊπ¦π« WE TOLD YOU IT WOULD HURT
π° STOP BEING CLASSIST
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Subway Tooter is honestly the best Fedi app for a whole list of reasons, but high up on that list is the ability to have threads open in tabs that you can pin so they don't close accidentally. You can even set colours for those tabs so you can find them more quickly, for when you want to add to them.
π° Dan why is this relevant to the mousetrap thread
π¦ I'LL STOP POSTING ABOUT IT WHEN THEY STOP DOING IT
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π¦ dick snuffling and leaping around inside boxers What is it, boy? What do you smell?
π pointing at a mousetrap surrounded by mangled bits of π and people clutching their crotches and groaning like at the end of that Robocop fan remake scene, you know the one WUFF BORK WROFF
π¦ Ooh, I really shouldn't...
π whimper whimper whine
π¦ Aw hell with it, GO GIT 'EM BOY
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Nextcloud Man: π Google and Microsoft want you to stick YOUR dick in THEIR mousetrap.
π¦ What, that's absurd.
π It certainly is, friend. Why would you stick your dick in a mousetrap that someone else controls?
π¦ Yeah exactly, thank you for making sense, lately it seems like the whole world's gone mad
π Using our open-source software, YOU control the dick mousetrap
π¦ ...what
π Stick your dick in your OWN mousetrap
π¦
π Take back control
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π Nextcloud users, we hear you loud and clear. We hear your yelps of agony.
π We hear your anguished cries of "WHY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY"
π And we want to let you know that sticking your dick in this is purely optional!
π¦ is that why you placed it cocked and ready right at crotch height
π For your convenience and empowerment.
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π looking down at a barely-recognizable swollen purple mass wrapped thrice around the business end of a bloodied mousetrap You see what the problem is here, don't you.
π¦ Yes, everybody sees the problem except you
π Hm. Yeah, it's obvious in hindsight.
π¦ waits for it
π This mousetrap isn't open-source
https://mastodon.xyz/@nextcloud/113384968001408903
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πΏ Talk me through what happened here, mister Proton.
π¦ Well doc, I went and stuck my left ball in the AI mousetrap
πΏ I see, and your right testicle?
π¦ Bitcoin
πΏ Yes, I thought it might be something like that when I heard you coming down the hall.
π¦ 'cause of the clapping
πΏ The wood-on-wood clapping sound, yes, from not one but two mousetraps, extraordinary. So obviously you'd like these removed.
π¦ Oh hell no. No, I just wanted your advice, I wanted to know whether these'd interfere with the big one.
πΏ The big one?
π¦ Yeah, the big one, hang on I got a picture on my phone. Here. Ain't it a beaut.
πΏπ Mister Proton, this appears to be a picture of a bear trap.
πΏπ It has "MAGA" written on it.
πΏπ In what appears to be gold Sharpie. Mister Proton -
π¦ Now I know what you're thinkin', but lemme stop you there.
πΏ
π¦
πΏ Go on?
π¦ What
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π¦ SHIT SHIT SHIT JOHNSON GET IN HERE
π sir
π¦ OUR STOCK PRICE IS IN FREEFALL
π¦ A TRILLION DOLLARS JUST DISAPPEARED JOHNSON
π sir?
π¦ SOMEONE'S GIVING AWAY THE DICK MOUSETRAP FOR FREE
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π© You look like you've just had a bollocking
π I don't understand it. I don't understand anything that's happening.
π© There there.
π© You're normal.
π© It's not understandable.
π I thought our mission was to snap everyone's dicks, and now everyone can get their dick snapped, surely we should be rejoicing
π© Oh honey
π© It was never about snapping dicks.
π© I mean, who wants their dick snapped? Do YOU want your dick snapped?
π I mean... I kinda went along with it, but I didn't really no
π© Honey, it was about the waste. Here, have a tissue. Remember the monkey pictures? And the proof-of-waste coins that weren't real?
π Kinda?
π© The waste was the point, dear. The inefficiency was what made it so that only the very rich had the money to burn to run the machines. If you take away the waste, if the dick mousetrap machine becomes more efficient, then you just have a bunch of mangled dicks and nobody making any money.
π So now that sticking your dick in a mousetrap doesn't burn irreplaceable resources, the dick mousetrap factory owners are finally wondering whether anyone wants to stick their dick in the mousetrap?
π© That's right, dear. That's where all the money's gone. Now take a breath. Wipe those eyes. Shoulders back and chin up high.
π© The people with the deep pockets will be moving on to the next scam, and this time you're going to get a piece of it.
π© You've got a better mousetrap to build.
π© Kiss me you animal.
π©β€π
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πΏ Mister Proton, I'm writing you a prescription for bankruptcy. You can pick it up after three.
π¦ Thanks doc
πΏ Not at all. Kindly send Mister Wordpress in on your way out.
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π¦ Now pay attention, you at the back. whips pointing stick against blackboard THIS SHAPE. Knowing this shape will save you all your dicks.
π΄ That's not a shape
π¦ I can't draw.
π¦ I can't read your writing
π¦ Yeah my handwriting's bad too. Anyway look at the previous three mousetraps
π You need to start putting these on the board
π¦ I'm trying to save your dick here. Anyway, first mousetrap, cryptocurrency, used VAST AMOUNTS OF ELECTRICITY, to do, anyone?
πΌ Crime
π¦ Excellent, perfect, next one, VAST AMOUNTS OF ELECTRICITY to do,
π Ugly monkeys
π¦ Brilliant, now you're getting it, then what happened?
πΌπ Vast amounts of electricity
π¦ To do?
π· Wrong answers!
π¦ YES! Good god you lot are clever
π¦ So the next mousetrap's also gonna use enormous amounts of electricity to do something ridiculous that nobody wants.
π¦ That's it! That's what I've been -
π¦ We know.
π¦ ...sorry?
π Dude everybody knows. You're preaching to the choir.
π¦ ...oh.
π΄ Yeah if you wanna save some dicks go talk to CEOs.
π¦ No, I don't care about their dicks, honestly I think it's funny when they take turns trying to fuck the mousetrap
π You should write a book.
π¦ ...I should!
π You should!
π¦ I will! I'll call it "The Shape Of The Mousetrap: How To Avoid Falling For The Next Big Tech Scam" and I'll sell it as an epub for ten grand a copy, and all the ceos will buy it! I'LL BE THE DICK MOUSETRAP! ME!
π Great idea! You should end this lesson and write that book!
π¦ CLASS DISMISSED!
π... thank you, π
π quickest way to shut him up tbh
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See accompanying illustration, Figure 1
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π¦ betcha THIS thread won't get posted to one of those proper websites
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I HAVE BEEN WRITING THIS THREAD SINCE THE TWENTY FIFTH OF JULY TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY FOUR
AND THE DICKS KEEP GOING IN THE MOUSETRAPS
DESPITE ALL MY WARNINGS
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A trillion dollars disappeared in a day because someone made a garbage generator that uses fewer irreplaceable natural resources than the current garbage generators, and that makes me think about cobblestones.
Remember cobblestones? You could hook your computer up to a big distributed science project, there were tons to choose from, you could fold human proteomes, you could search for extraterrestrial intelligence, you could map cancer markers, develop better solar cell materials, all sorts of stuff. It took the form of a screensaver - whenever you weren't using your computer your CPU fans would spin up and you'd be folding. Move your mouse and it pauses. Great stuff. Something useful for your computer to do when you step away for a minute.
Anyway, you'd get credit for the work your computer had done. Cobblestones, they were called. They were never used as currency, they were just to show off. A cobblestone was a kind of receipt to show that your computer had done something useful.
We never used cobblestones as currency, but we could've. Instead we got bitcoin, which is a receipt that shows that your computer made a bitcoin. What's the bitcoin for? Being a receipt that your computer made a bitcoin.
It served as proof that you'd wasted some electricity.
Proof of waste.
There's other cryptocurrencies as well, some of which work differently to the proof of waste system, and those are worthless, because they're not proof of waste.
The waste is the point.
Now we get this market crash today, money disappeared, because the new AI thing is roughly as pointless as the old one but nowhere near as wasteful.
The waste, is the point. We saw it with cryptocurrencies and we saw it with NFTs and we see it with AI.
The waste has to be the point, because to some people, waste equals scarcity equals wealth equals power. The waste has to be the point because the machines that process the pointlessness have to be expensive, have to be owned by someone, have to be inaccessible to the average person, have to be manufactured and sold and rented out, the means of production of the pointlessness has to be in the right hands. The waste has to be the point, because otherwise we would've decided years ago that a cobblestone was worth a twentieth of a nice sandwich.
The waste is the point.
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Now I wrote that last post using bog-standard unremarkable dirty tricks to get you all riled up and seething at the injustice of it all. Keep repeating the same sentence structures, the same sentences even, chanting, striking rhythmic blows on a hammer to push the idea deeper in, make it want to come out the other side, make you want to boost it, share it, spread it around.
And if you boost that toot, then it'll go far.
And other people might read it.
And they might nod to themselves and think "I'll boost this toot too."
And then, my friends.
Then.
π¦ They might scroll back to the beginning of this thread
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π΅ When you wish upon a star
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I absolutely brought this on myself so I will calmly resist the urge to Reply to the Guys telling me how the stock market works with "sir this is the genital injury thread"
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@ifixcoinops the tech bros aren't finished yet, the mousetraps will be busy, and I'm investing in healthcare startups focused on new penile reconstruction techniques.
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@ifixcoinops
GDP treats damage to be repaired as line goes up. That's how genital injury helps the stock market.
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@elithebearded @ifixcoinops
Kicking folks in the balls to improve economic prosperity sounds like an idea whose time has come in this age of three ringed circus run by a head clown.
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text/gemini
