Mark, owner of Smashwords: π¦ Okay Draft2Digital, I'll sell you my company whose userbase is full of the kinkiest people you can possibly imagine, but you've gotta promise to let them continue being kinky
Draft2Digital: π΄ oh we promise
π¦ And don't do anything too fucked up, alright?
π΄ we promise
π¦ OK
New email, from: π΄ subject: AUTHOR POLL on attractiveness of mousetrap; is this mousetrap hot enough to fuck? Have your say here
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π° lowering dick slowly towards gaping mousetrap I know you think I shouldn't do this, but have you considered that NOT doing this would actually be problematic?
π¦πΊπ¦π« cries of anguish and DON'T DO IT etc
π° Bigots. You're all bigots. K-SNAP OW WHAT THE FUCK
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π¦πΊπ¦π« WE TOLD YOU IT WOULD HURT
π° STOP BEING CLASSIST
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Subway Tooter is honestly the best Fedi app for a whole list of reasons, but high up on that list is the ability to have threads open in tabs that you can pin so they don't close accidentally. You can even set colours for those tabs so you can find them more quickly, for when you want to add to them.
π° Dan why is this relevant to the mousetrap thread
π¦ I'LL STOP POSTING ABOUT IT WHEN THEY STOP DOING IT
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π¦ dick snuffling and leaping around inside boxers What is it, boy? What do you smell?
π pointing at a mousetrap surrounded by mangled bits of π and people clutching their crotches and groaning like at the end of that Robocop fan remake scene, you know the one WUFF BORK WROFF
π¦ Ooh, I really shouldn't...
π whimper whimper whine
π¦ Aw hell with it, GO GIT 'EM BOY
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Nextcloud Man: π Google and Microsoft want you to stick YOUR dick in THEIR mousetrap.
π¦ What, that's absurd.
π It certainly is, friend. Why would you stick your dick in a mousetrap that someone else controls?
π¦ Yeah exactly, thank you for making sense, lately it seems like the whole world's gone mad
π Using our open-source software, YOU control the dick mousetrap
π¦ ...what
π Stick your dick in your OWN mousetrap
π¦
π Take back control
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π Nextcloud users, we hear you loud and clear. We hear your yelps of agony.
π We hear your anguished cries of "WHY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY"
π And we want to let you know that sticking your dick in this is purely optional!
π¦ is that why you placed it cocked and ready right at crotch height
π For your convenience and empowerment.
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π looking down at a barely-recognizable swollen purple mass wrapped thrice around the business end of a bloodied mousetrap You see what the problem is here, don't you.
π¦ Yes, everybody sees the problem except you
π Hm. Yeah, it's obvious in hindsight.
π¦ waits for it
π This mousetrap isn't open-source
https://mastodon.xyz/@nextcloud/113384968001408903
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πΏ Talk me through what happened here, mister Proton.
π¦ Well doc, I went and stuck my left ball in the AI mousetrap
πΏ I see, and your right testicle?
π¦ Bitcoin
πΏ Yes, I thought it might be something like that when I heard you coming down the hall.
π¦ 'cause of the clapping
πΏ The wood-on-wood clapping sound, yes, from not one but two mousetraps, extraordinary. So obviously you'd like these removed.
π¦ Oh hell no. No, I just wanted your advice, I wanted to know whether these'd interfere with the big one.
πΏ The big one?
π¦ Yeah, the big one, hang on I got a picture on my phone. Here. Ain't it a beaut.
πΏπ Mister Proton, this appears to be a picture of a bear trap.
πΏπ It has "MAGA" written on it.
πΏπ In what appears to be gold Sharpie. Mister Proton -
π¦ Now I know what you're thinkin', but lemme stop you there.
πΏ
π¦
πΏ Go on?
π¦ What
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π¦ SHIT SHIT SHIT JOHNSON GET IN HERE
π sir
π¦ OUR STOCK PRICE IS IN FREEFALL
π¦ A TRILLION DOLLARS JUST DISAPPEARED JOHNSON
π sir?
π¦ SOMEONE'S GIVING AWAY THE DICK MOUSETRAP FOR FREE
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π© You look like you've just had a bollocking
π I don't understand it. I don't understand anything that's happening.
π© There there.
π© You're normal.
π© It's not understandable.
π I thought our mission was to snap everyone's dicks, and now everyone can get their dick snapped, surely we should be rejoicing
π© Oh honey
π© It was never about snapping dicks.
π© I mean, who wants their dick snapped? Do YOU want your dick snapped?
π I mean... I kinda went along with it, but I didn't really no
π© Honey, it was about the waste. Here, have a tissue. Remember the monkey pictures? And the proof-of-waste coins that weren't real?
π Kinda?
π© The waste was the point, dear. The inefficiency was what made it so that only the very rich had the money to burn to run the machines. If you take away the waste, if the dick mousetrap machine becomes more efficient, then you just have a bunch of mangled dicks and nobody making any money.
π So now that sticking your dick in a mousetrap doesn't burn irreplaceable resources, the dick mousetrap factory owners are finally wondering whether anyone wants to stick their dick in the mousetrap?
π© That's right, dear. That's where all the money's gone. Now take a breath. Wipe those eyes. Shoulders back and chin up high.
π© The people with the deep pockets will be moving on to the next scam, and this time you're going to get a piece of it.
π© You've got a better mousetrap to build.
π© Kiss me you animal.
π©β€π
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πΏ Mister Proton, I'm writing you a prescription for bankruptcy. You can pick it up after three.
π¦ Thanks doc
πΏ Not at all. Kindly send Mister Wordpress in on your way out.
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@ifixcoinops this is the best CW I've ever seen
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