As some of you might have noticed, my photos over the past few days were of more urban character, than the usual lakes and rolling hills. It was something I didn't think I'd get to experience like that again in my life. The last 10 years have been a constant uphill battle. Getting back on my feet, literally and figuratively. What drove me? My dream of finally being able to travel. Not for work, not to be there for anyone, because I had done that a lot before I became ill, but just for myself. To see, to experience what I had only seen in pictures, heard stories about. I had already tightened the dream - a lot was not going to be able to go, so while I fussed, dreamed and mourned over what I had lost, there was also always anxiety breathing down my neck, that this was in vain, that something would happen to put a stop to it, that the race against the progression of the disease would be lost. By the end of 2019, I had recovered enough to travel again....with a safety net, but still...and then came the pandemic. As a person at risk and not responding to either the vaccine or medication, if I were to become infected, the danger of Covid became a constant companion and still is. I probably won’t die from it, but there's no telling how sick I could get...
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It was like a gut punch. Now I had been dreaming, hoping, gritting my teeth and then something like this comes along and not only makes me even more isolated, but adds a huge addition of real danger. In those five years, of course, the disease has progressed, I've gained new things, which now made it almost completely impossible for me to travel alone, at least for now. And, of course, others traveled, met again - they always had, but now more, because one had to make up for the lost years…without me, because, to be honest, you don't travel to have more obligations, you travel to avoid having any, to have a break from everyday life and having someone with you who you (perhaps) have to pay attention to...I can understand that that doesn’t go together well, even if I don't like it. I stopped dreaming, hoping, I started the process of accepting that this was another loss, focusing on what was possible, the little things every day…which in reality is a bs fortune cookie quote.
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But then an opportunity came up, completely spontaneously. A person who had no expectation of what a perfect holiday should be/should contain, who thought sitting and reading for a few hours was as rewarding as running around with a bucket list through the city, with a watertight program, who thought that spending time with me, as I could give it, was more important than other things. I asked, got a yes and then it worked, we were finally able to travel, with masks, disinfection, distance and the folding stick in the suitcase (which I didn't need), and a lot of work, accepting that not everything I wanted, would be possible, but being happy and grateful to get out, not as a burden / obstacle to other people's holiday dreams, but as a ‘we’ and about the immense gift and the privilege of having such a person in my life. Maybe such an opportunity will come again, maybe not - I can't know, but I won’t hope and dream about it. I will start gather the courage, not so much to dare to ask, but the courage of accepting a no, because maybe I’ll get a yes again…who knows?!
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@LittleRedhead
🫂❤️
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@SensitiveSyl ❤️🙏
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@LittleRedhead
I'm happy for you, Charlie!
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@jlbouzou Thank you :)
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@LittleRedhead I'm really happy for you that you had someone in your life that cared enough about you to go with you, and that you had the opportunity to experience something you love again! Getting to the point where you recognize the need to acknowledge and grieve lost things is hard in itself, never mind coming out of the other side of it. I’m glad that you got a little back, and I hope there are many more to come. 🤍🫂
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@LittleRedhead I can still not fully imagine how much of a battle it was/is for you, but I'm happy for you that this trip went so well 🙂
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@daniel_bohrer Thank you <3
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@LittleRedhead i'm so happy for you that you had the opportunity to go on this trip!
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@hen Thank you!
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Waking up with a slight sore throat. Hoping that it's just fatigue and nothing else. Fighting the fear that I took more with me from the trip than good memories and photos. Reflecting on crossing set boundaries, the guilty conscience of taking risks and how much you're willing to pay for it.
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@LittleRedhead fingers crossed! and here is a cup of tea with honey ☕️🫖
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@AnnaKukka 🙏🤗 thank you! Tea is always good 😁
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@LittleRedhead Hoping it’s nothing more than your brain playing tricks on you! 🤞
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@LittleRedhead 🤞
(I often get a sore throat after working with wood dust and/or not sleeping enough, even without human contact…)
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@daniel_bohrer me too...it could be so many things. It's just that knowing you could get some infection by being around people, knowing, that you potentially could get really sick and then doing it anyways...and asking yourself, if it was worth it and forcing yourself not to feel guilty about doing something that was good, regardless...
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