Ancestors

Written by Kevin Davy on 2025-01-15 at 01:41

@actuallyautistic

I'm just tired.

Such simply words, such small words, to describe the depth of exhaustion and soul numbing weariness, I was so often experiencing when I spoke them. So many times in my life I have, just been tired. That was how I thought of it, how I explained how I felt to myself. I can see, looking back, that many of those times were when I was burntout, at University and afterwards. Or obvious times of great stress, or when I had over worked. But, so often it was just how I felt, just the truth of my existence. I was just so, so, tired.

But, my problem was that I had learnt to judge my life against what I knew. How I'd learnt to see it, in how others seemed to experience theirs, how it was explained in book and film. How it just seemed to be. In my mind, it had all built up into a picture of how hard life should and shouldn't be. And so it never felt that I had the right to be so exhausted, to be such a mess. Because what I had really done, nothing. I knew that depression could have explained it, but that hadn't always felt entirely right to me, except sometimes on the fringes. So all it could ever be was that I was just tired and just tired doesn't mean that you can't push on, it doesn't mean that you can give up and it definitely doesn't mean that you're allowed to ever stop, if only for a little while.

And that was my life, before I realised I was autistic. I suspect many of our lives. A relentless effort, like swimming forever against the tide. But a tide I could never recognise, or see, or rest from, or forgive myself for not being able to beat all the time. The life that can happen when you don't recognise your own needs and when you have no explanation for how tiring...well, everything is and are trying to a live that isn't yours. When you are masking all the time and trying everything you can, to live the life most normal, the life you thought you should have.

So, is it any wonder that major burnout seems almost inevitable for those of us realising this later in life. That we have burnt through so many of the resources and reserves that we could have had. How different it could have been, if only we'd known the differences we could have made and that we were never, ever, just tired.

So, if you ever wonder why I spend so much time on here. This is why.

[#]Autism

[#]ActuallyAutistic

=> More informations about this toot | More toots from pathfinder@beige.party

Written by Riku :BlobhajPrideHeart: on 2025-01-16 at 11:57

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Thank you for your words. Feeling grateful to finally understand on late age that why I have been tired all my life as well. And to respect that feeling instead of fighting against it or finding quick fixes. Luckily some more fundamental changes like unmasking as understanding myself better has made total exhaustion a less regular guest.

=> More informations about this toot | More toots from rikura@mastodon.social

Toot

Written by Kevin Davy on 2025-01-16 at 13:26

@rikura @actuallyautistic

Indeed, finally being in a position to understand and cater for this can make such a huge difference.

=> More informations about this toot | More toots from pathfinder@beige.party

Descendants