Ancestors

Toot

Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 11:36

It's taken about two hours to even begin to reconcile myself internally after some run-of-the-mill-where-I-am-workplace-shittines on what was already a pressured, high-stress day.

Emotional distress (and inner dissonance, to be specific) is really time-consuming. I think I might have had enough of it for a lifetime.

But I don't hear anyone talking about it. It'd be really good to read some sound material on the psychology of it.

I handled it quite well, but I'd like to be able to do better.

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Descendants

Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 11:41

Maybe that is, literally, the #trauma: the experience of it taking you two hours to feel like your mind is clear after a relatively minor but stressful situation (when others seem so much less affected).... the mental static that obscures the signal, just like on an old TV... having your mind essentially bluescreen when someone gaslights and abuses you instead of just telling them to go fuck themselves (because you can't, even though everyone knows what's going on and that it's wrong*).

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Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 11:41

I don't hear anyone talking about that static, and I'd like to, to understand it better and ideally be less afftected by it.

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Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 11:50

You know what's happening isnt right. You know you shouldn't allow it to happen. But because of other aspects of the situation, you are pinned into tolerating it.

Maybe it's the anger that becomes the static... bouncing around inside, held-in, with nowhere else to go 🤔

But, in that moment, what else is there to do with it... when you don't even have the time or mental space to observe yourself, let alone do anything differently.

[#]cptsd #mentalHealth #psychology #trauma

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Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 12:02

(What it almost certainly is, irrespective of anything else, is part of me telling me the only way it can that I shouldn't be in this environment any more, that it is unhealthy, that I need to get out. We can't always just walk away, though, no matter how much I'd like to change things. Perhaps I'm not doing enough. How much damage am I willing to accept? It's food for thought.)

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Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 12:05

When I get to thinking along these lines, I remember that anywhere there is something of value, there's an asshole who wants to own it and is willing to use malevolence to drive away anyone else. So it feels as though encountering this is inevitable, and that learning how to deal with it is something I need to do, or I'll be battling it my whole life.

I genuinely don't know if that's the right way to look at it, though, even if it is arguably true. Maybe my asshole threshold is just too high.

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Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 12:22

• note: Here (https://mas.to/@tokyo_0/113792548389761491) I wrote that everyone knows what's going on and that it's wrong. But actually that isn't necessarily the case. There are situations where it is: those are traumatising, because no one else is acknowledging the problem. But there are also situations where someone is skillfully isolating and punching down at those they target, while sweet talking others—or where others around you benefit from claiming they don't recognise what's happening.

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Written by Tokyo Outsider (337ppm) on 2025-01-08 at 12:25

There are situations where others around you are too messed up themselves, have internalised toxicity, and have been trained not to say that the Emperor is wearing no clothes. And there are people who are willing to go along with disparaging the truth teller if it benefits them in other ways, which they may or may not be consciously aware of.

The effect is (more) gaslighting, and this too is part of what makes the experience traumatic—that not only is shit happening but you are unsupported.

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Written by Carrie Shanafelt on 2025-01-08 at 12:37

@tokyo_0 It's so common in universities, where the perception is that you and your department can only continue to exist if you maintain positive emotions from the administration, but the administration isn't acting on emotions. The toxicity isn't emotional for an administration with a directive to cut you. It feels strange to see one's allies acting as if warm relations can ever be established and honored in that situation.

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