Divorce is awful. period.
...but...
It's thrown me into the project of re-building a social support network, where I can turn to friends for emotional connection and support through hard times. Not saying I'm good at it, but I've been working all out on that project for the last year.
And it's good, really good.
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I'm not special here, I know. The standard hetero white dude who relied for many years on my (very) soon-to-be ex for social connection and emotional support and then found myself reeling when she started refusing to care for me in ways that I'd been accustomed.
But, working through the pain and difficulty of that aftermath is, slowly, slowly, bringing me to a completely new place (for me).
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I've always had loads of people around and no shortage of people that I considered friends. And that prevented me from seeing that, for most of my life I've been pretty lonely. Like, that loneliness was inconceivable to me and I had all kinds of intellectual and emotional tools to basically ignore it (except when it got big and threw me onto my ass)...
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What has been missing in the breadth of all those relationships is a few deep friends with whom I feel really safe, really connected, people to whom I can turn with any of my bullshit, or hurt, or weird joy, or whatever.
For reasons that counseling is helping me to recognize... I've protected a scared part of myself by keeping most people at a "safe" distance....and ignoring the loneliness that results.
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Again... I'm not special here... old story.
But this year, through counseling, I've been able to focus on a few friendships and compassionately enourage my sphinctered inner self to chill the fuck out and trust people who probably actually want to be close to me.
And, while it's too late for my marriage, the friendships and social support that is growing around me is my deepest joy these days.
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Right now, I'm sitting here thinking of one friend in particular and feeling like I'm just unbelievably lucky that this person cares about me, that we can communicate about anything and get each other, and that they want to spend time with me.
And I'm looking at a text message saying that they feel so lucky to have my friendship and care.
... and I'm just blown away.
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I really don't mean this as a flex. I (half)-joke with my counselor that I'm in emotional kindergarten....
... and I recognize that there are lots of lonely folks out there, lonely for all kinds of reasons that are way, way less self-inflicted and privileged than mine.
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Dear void,
thank you for letting me process with you.
lol... 43 year old man announcing that friendship is good!
๐ THE MORE YOU KNOW ๐
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@ericdaryl Yes, friendship is good. And a broad network of kinship connections (chosen friends counts) is the stable construct we need to survive. The myth of the small, nuclear family & romantic love between just two at the center of this puts so much pressure on these two to be the everything for each other, when weโre just not designed for this & life too unpredictable. (1/2)
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Our romantic partners should be delighted that we seek out & care for strong bonds with others, for the sake of the family. Iโm glad that you are finding support & conviviality with some good folks. Onwards! (2/2)
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