Ancestors

Toot

Written by Fish Id Wardrobe on 2024-10-26 at 09:41

In some ways I "get" transphobia. Not the hate, but the fact that they are clearly scared and confused.

A lot of it is "my personal understanding of the world is the only correct one", and I don't have sympathy for that, either.

But. We learn about what "boys" and "girls" are at such a young age. The lessons we learn first are the hardest, most painful to unpick.

And hardest of all is to take all the memories of Mary and stamp over them "no, that was Mark the whole time".

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Descendants

Written by Fish Id Wardrobe on 2024-10-26 at 09:51

I have personal experience of this. (Mark is not his real name, and doubly so Mary, of course.)

I have a lot of memories of Mary. I don't begrudge him holding onto his secret, even though we were very close. I don't have any trouble calling him Mark, now.

But those memories – thinking of when 'she' and I were as thick as thieves – and then feeling each time "no, that was really Mark, a man"?

That's fucking hard.

I'm not, personally, scared or confused or angry. But I can see it.

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Written by Fish Id Wardrobe on 2024-10-26 at 10:07

(For the record, since the internet is a device that destroys nuance: Mark is so much happier since they stopped playing the part of Mary. That's what I wanted for him – to be happy – and it worked out. I'm delighted for him.)

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Written by Micah on 2024-10-26 at 12:36

@fishidwardrobe The really really important lesson though, is that even your oldest and most firm beliefs are worth reexamining if they are hurting others.

I have seen far too many people begrudgingly use a person's preferred name and pronouns, while acting like a victim the whole time. They haven't learned that lesson.

We all have more lessons to learn, and mistakes to unlearn.

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Written by Fish Id Wardrobe on 2024-10-26 at 12:47

@m I agree, but I suspect it's beyond a lot of people. Folks aren't good at thinking about thinking.

And, I'm not sure "begrudgingly" is always the right word. Sometimes, yes, there is a grudge. Not always. Sometimes it's just that there is a fuckton of emotions to shoulder — like my memories of Mary.

Edit: and victim isn't the right word either, but it can be harder for the folks around a trans person to adjust than for the trans person — in some ways. They're not getting the rebirth…

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Written by Micah on 2024-10-26 at 12:51

@fishidwardrobe I agree. I've seen many cases where the person is angry or offended by being expected to treat others respectfully.

But I've seen what you're describing too.

I've also seen both situations turn into actual understanding and respect without holding back, and cases where that still hasn't happened.

It is a lot to process, and rethink. Like you said, these are views that are learned very early in life.

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