At some point someone – my daughter, I think – bought a little sign to hang up. You know the sort of thing. "In our house we try our best. We count our blessings. We do hugs."
I never liked it. Really it should be something like:
"In our house we're all broken. Our relationship with food and sleep is problematic. We try to watch for each other's triggers. We watch out for each other even when we hurt each other."
Not one for the wall, really.
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[#]WritersCoffeeClub Dec 5: Add one word to the name of a famous novel to completely change the meaning.
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Listening to a lot of podcasts while I'm ill. I like my podcasts, but here's a thing I don't like: a factual podcast which bills itself as a smart person giving insight into the world — reading out an ad placement as if it was a personal recommendation?
In this case the ad placement is for private psychotherapy or counciling services, and here's the thing: in the UK these are unregulated. Anyone can set themselves up.
And this being read by a BBC journalist and economist.
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Knock on the door.
"Hello I'm grabling he glooming i paving," he says, waving a booklet of concrete stamped drive designs. "Do opportunity for youse?"
"Err, no thanks?"
True story. Just happened.
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Heads up to folks who are talking to #autistic people, especially older ones: we've spent our lives being told we are too loud, or angry, or excited, when in fact we weren't. "calm down!" "why are you so upset?" Just projection on their part.
It's true that we're mostly bad at judging our own volume; that part of us doesn't work the same. Not our fault.
Even if we are actually angry or upset, telling us that is quite likely to invoke a mild (?) trauma response. So, please think twice.
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Whelp, I guess I have to zero the "this many days since I was told I was too loud" counter again. Over a Teams call with folks in a busy office who won't wear headphones.
From my wife. We've been married for thirty years. 🤬
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Rant over. Sorry.
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If the folks around you will react badly to you being honest about how you're doing — if they'll ridicule you, or take it personally, or burst into tears, and especially if you also care about these people — then, Ray, when they ask you how you are, you say "I'm fine". This is the correct fucking response, by which I mean the least bad one.
It's true that if in fact they will do none of these things, then you've got a problem: it's called 'trauma'. But. BUT.
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You remember that scene in the movie? "Ray, when someone asks you if you are god, you say YES."
Not because it's true, but because of the consequences.
Hold that thought.
I think it's quite a common idea these days that if you always answer "I'm fine" when asked how you are doing, it's because you're broken, or from toxic masculinity, or something.
It's not. It's a fucking defence mechanism.
Because of the consequences.
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Anyone remember when #Linux was for reusing old hardware? I guess I must be old.
It transpires that I don't have a graphics card anywhere in the house that #Debian 12/Bookworm will play with. (Nvidia GT210 and GT750. Yes, they are old. See above.)
FFS.
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Like, my wife and daughter are out today and apparently my daughter has brought me a present. And it will be something cute I have no space for. We have no space here, I'm tripping over stuff.
And I'm going to have to smile and like it. And today I don't know where I'm going to get that.
It's not a big deal. Not the end of the world. It's just, I wish I had some place in me to draw on at that point. I don't.
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I think it's the most difficult thing in the world to carve out some emotional space for yourself in your life, so that, whatever small thing happens, you can remain unperturbed. I don't know how to do it.
I mean, no-one is going to remain unflustered if their dog is hit by a car? I'm talking about the little stuff, especially WRT people you share your space with. "Hey lets play loud music" when you have a headache. That sort of thing.
Is this a specifically #ActuallyAutistic trait?
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What's missing from this story for me is any indication that anyone CAN be held to account for this. So there's a court case. And?
[#]UKPol #Corruption
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/sep/30/activists-say-they-have-proof-ministers-tried-to-influence-police-over-israeli-arms-firm-protests
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An example: if, here in the UK, I say "turnip" -- then almost all of us think of a vegetable.
Just, not the same one.
Most of the folks in the south of England would say to the folks in Scotland, "no, that's a Swede, not a Turnip". And inbetween those two places, all bets are off.
This is just a very concrete (unless baked or boiled thoroughly!) example of something that is true, more or less, for every single word.
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The problem with words -- you will either think this obvious, or troubling, I suspect -- the problem with words is that they have no intrinsic meaning.
We can bluster and point to all the dictionaries we like, but at the end of the day a word means what the person hearing it thinks it means.
They are, at the very best, a blunt instrument.
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coda: it occurs to me that I might be trying to nail an emotion that has no simple name. AGAIN.
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Is this angry music? It's certainly not happy, is it? "Rape, murder..."
The Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter (Official Lyric Video) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbmS3tQJ7Os&t=151
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Could he really have been continually angry? I never heard of him raising his voice or being mean to anyone. But I suppose emotions come in many forms. He was certainly aware of the injustice around him; it's right there in his writing.
Jump sideways: a lot of the music that really strikes a chord with me I would characterise as "angry". Not shouty, but still angry. "Look, this is all screwed up" music.
... could it be that I am angry??
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Here's a thought I'm working on. It's said that #ActuallyAutistic people are slow to recognise their emotions, and that's kind of true for me. It's certainly true about my base state. Am I a happy person? A cheerful person? Sad? No idea.
Jump sideways: It was said of the late Terry Pratchett that he was continually angry at the state of the world. It was said to be surprising, I think, but by a friend who knew him well. Now, I met pTerry, and a more gentle, sweet man you could not imagine.
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Do you even treat them as an adult?
How do you deal with them when they blame you for something that was nothing to do with you, because they are mixing up facts and feelings?
Damned if I know.
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