Affirmations, and Things to Remember

As I always am, I've been doing some journaling lately. My recent entries have gathered a few thoughts that I'd like to make sure I hold on to; to that end, I'm going to write them out here. Hopefully, I'll remember to review these things and keep them in mind.

1. My friends are happy to help me; I just need to ask.

I'm disabled, and learned that I'm a burden on others. As a result, I'm afraid to ask for things that make life easier for me. Thing is, in my more secure relationships, the burden is minimal. More importantly, the people I love are willing to take it on - some do it without prompting, even. An example: I struggle with navigating crowds. One friend picked up on this and has made a habit of latching on to my arm so that I don't lose her. It helps. I already know that my other friends would be willing to do the same - it's such a small thing, and makes my life easier. I can ask, and they'll help.

2. Work with my strengths, rather than expect to be something I'm not.

It's clear at this point in my life that I'm not an obssessive prodigy. I have an internalized idea that truly incredible people have an incredible skill that takes a lifetime to master, requiring constant diligent application. I don't have that capacity - I need more variety and can't spend several hours a day, several days a week, constantly honing a single skill. So, I must let go of the idea that I will become a prodigy in one single thing, and work instead on applying my strengths to the many things I care about. What are those strengths? I'm organized and habitual, and very good at intuiting logical and functional tasks. I can use the organization to document where I am on a task, so that I can leave it and move on to something new when I need to. I can use the smarts to learn new skills and reassure myself of my capability.

3. Examine why I want or don't want something.

trepidation around some things can be multi-layered, and I can have trouble picking them apart. This has made it hard for me to figure out why I don't want to do something. Several of my posts are colored by this:

=> On wanting to appear productive | The role of music in my life

Some things I know for sure: regardless of whether I want or don't want to do something, I know I don't want to be ruled by fear of rejection, by agoraphobia, by bathroom anxiety. These things will remain true independent of my desire to play music, code, go to school, draw, whatever. I can hang on to this, and filter out these anxieties to hopefully focus more on the thing itself.

4. Security matters more than exclusivity in my relationships

I've also written a bit about my relationships, and how, in the last couple years, I've been cultivating relationships that are unprecedented for me:

=> Where insecurity ends and I begin | Love vs. Romance

I'm learning that security in relationships doesn't really come from the structural. I was in an exclusive partnership for two years that I didn't feel secure in. I've had a multi-year friendship now that is far more secure and trusting than that relationship was. If I want to have relationships I can feel good about, it matters far more to be open and supportive with the other person than to have the structural trappings of a relationship. I always knew it takes effort, but now I'm better understanding how to apply it.