watching people succeed

i have heard a lot of people talk about how much they enjoy hearing about super talented people. kung-fu masters, olympic athletes, best-selling authors, superstar scientists, etc..

i'm proud of talented people, and i respect their dedication to their fields, but i can't help but beat myself up a little bit.

"i should be working harder. i should be sleeping less. i shouldn't be daydreaming or slacking off. my worth as a human being on this planet amounts to what i do, and i'm not doing enough!"

all of these things are true, and maybe i can't fix them all.

perhaps this is what i mean when i complain about being a jealous person. when i'm "jealous" of someone, the way i react is by rejecting any kind of leisure and trying to work harder, which in turn just makes me burnt out and less productive.

i used to think that this was a commonplace feeling, but i suppose if that were the case, then people wouldn't watch sports, or read interviews or biographies... but people do all of those things, and i can't understand it.

i have a hard time watching movies as well, not just because of my "leisure = bad" mentality, but also because i spend too much time thinking about either the characters in the movie and being like "these fictional characters are being productive, so i should turn off my tv and be productive", or i'm thinking about the actors and sets (or animation), which makes me think "these film makers have dedicated immense amounts of work to create this piece of art. i should be creating art too instead of watching tv".

the same idea goes for music or video games, honestly. i know i vented about this sort of thing before, but it's something that haunts me a lot, considering how much fun it prevents me from having.

anyway, good night.

august 2, 2021