on crying

i've been crying a lot more than is probably healthy. it's mostly just the weather. i usually get more sad in the winter, and it usually worsens nearing the end of winter.

i don't like crying. i don't feel much better afterwards, and it fetters my ability to perform.

i have found that i primarily cry because i'm bad at things. i sit at a piano to practice a bit, but i find that, even after practicing so much, i still have to look down at the keys, and i'm sad.

i pick up my camera to take a picture in the sunset, but i realize how hard i rely on my camra's automatic exposure settings to get the right picture. i don't know the f-stop i need to use without checking the display, and i'm sad.

i pick up my bass, and make a few lines, but i don't understand why chord progression works, and i'm sad.

i turn on my computer to solve a problem, and i completely re-invent the wheel, and i think that there's probably an abstraction i can use to do this job in seconds, i just don't know about it.

wasted time. i think that's what i'm the most sad about. wasted time. i can't look at my mirror anymore. i'm too old for what i know. i should be five times smarter by now. five times more skilled, but i'm not.

february 23, 2021