2024-01-19
yearning again...
i drew a lot yesterday. i didn't do anything else productive though.
2024-01-16
one of my friends always apologized for responding hours/days after i sent something in discord and then asked for my number and now just responds to me within a minute/few hours. they did not have to do that, i don't even mind when stuff is responded to after like 3 days, but i really appreciate people who aim for timely responses. apologies to last.fm friend btw...
today i was about to go into this communal area that my friend told me she's often at, and she once noted that since introducing her dating pool to it she just sees them there all the time. like i was turning the doorknob but it was locked but this one person opened it. but then i saw her with a guy i dont recognize as her friend group that i also sometimes hang with, didn't wanna disturb them, and just immediately waved the door opener off and left.
i havent turned greyscale off yet. i could fully live this way. it still hasn't decreased my phone usage, colors aren't distracting or anything, im just keeping it this way because it doesn't bother me. in fact, that's honestly the reason i go along with a lot of things i dont care about and sometimes make my life worse.
2024-01-15
NOBODY GAVE A SHIT! NOT EVEN HIS FAMILY! BODY GETS TOSSED INTO RIVER. NO FUNERAL.
mangled. i think any sense of me having physical safety/purity is definitely over. i will never be safe. because i dont try to get myself hurt, i dont live riskily, yet
aaaa im gonna kill myself i feel like it made the head worse even tho i didnt fall on my head
got hit by a bike and fell and ruined my hydroflask further. that flask has previously been fucked up by me getting hit by a scooter. i guess im doomed to get hit by a car now?
2024-01-14
i put my phone in greyscale yesterday and that hasn't made me use it less but it does make all the nyt games look extremely wrong
2024-01-13
waaa
2024-01-12
now im looking up gre prep just cuz of the assignment, welp
mm one of my classes wants me to write a personal statement for grad school, or some essay i dont care about, and i dont wanna do the personal statement because like besides beginning a research project, i can't say i have enough cohesive experiences as something promising to any grad school! so my storytelling and therefore grade would be bad! but feedback on an actual personal statement would be good!
i feel like the unique thing i had going for me was the fact that i made experimental art with depth, and then i gave that up to focus on school. so all i have now is putting effort into school, but everyone has that. i am super dedicated at keeping up statistics and making projects and systems for them but they're for really inane stuff..
the other day i heard a recording of someone's toddler learning to ride a bike and it sounded like trha's yelps and screeches. like, usually kids sound normal but that kid sounded exactly like trha
2024-01-11
all of the ways i (don't) structure my verbal sentences is so terrible idk how there have been 2 ppl whove told me theyve fallen for me from specifically irl interactions. and also, a specific group of people irl ive deeply talked to say i have "aura". like i can understand if it's from online, the way i express myself is a lot more structured and possibly intelligent-seeming but i just sound like a wreck irl.
i gave her a mid guitar recording, though my best, and she said it was wonderful, 5 stars... might just ask her out at this point. or ask if i can give more physical affection next time i see her.
2024-01-10
my friend made fucking curses for his exam my god that was insane.. griffiths guy had to call himself a The Sex god and give a whole presentation ☠️ and someone else had to make modular origami having never done that and it took them like 2 hours. there were so many different curses
somehow bumped into 4 people i knew all separately today and walked with them and talked
2024-01-09
im such an impostor rn i was dropping by this one music class and now im hearing the music ppl mocking a student rock band for copyrighting their sheet music thinking it's like the only way to have ip even though no one's using the sheet music
too many students call chatgpt "chat" when using it to do their assignments for them. it doesn't deserve a nickname. also stop using it!!!
2024-01-07
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii want wind
overheard "i don't want an airbnb, i want an all-inclusive resort"
yesterday was so wonderful... i got to hang out with her for a few hours, watch her burn a cd, learn so much more about her... and she enjoyed my presence too ^_^
2024-01-06
what a wonderful day :)
2024-01-05
i have heard 2 references to daniel striped tiger today. one from squeex and one from a podcast episode about mr. rogers that my prof assigned. squeex is like pretending to have a wife and 2 kids and asked a skeptic if they knew who daniel tiger was
i got so annoyed at seeing hasan's fortnite friday reaction thumbnail on my youtube feed that i finally got an app screen time blocker and set it up. i did listen to that fortnite friday live on twitch, my only fortnite friday viewing ever besides a few viral santos clips, but it really doesn't have anything in it that deserves a reaction vid.
my brain hurts :(
2025-01-04
pretty sure i was doing this before 2024 but my method of listening to new albums for the first time this year has been: listen until i dont wanna hear music anymore, then continue later. ive heard like 20 new albums this year or more but for a few of them i literally just stop in the middle and continue it like 23 hours later and having listened to other stuff in the gap.
actually i remember when i used to mix album tracks years ago because i wouldn't enjoy the album i was hearing while also not wanting to give up so i simply tried to make it more palatable. i already dont care to consider albums as a whole, it's just a matter of enjoying its individual units.
i spent most of my time yesterday not listening to music. overall spent way more time off my phone than 2024 just cuz i dont need to manage my music listening as much. too bad my brain still doesn't have clarity.
2025-01-03
mmmm just cancelled an mri scan to see my brain damage (too expensive. i already know my brain's fucked). aaaah i fucking hate the healthcare industry
i wanna generate evil sentences forever this is great
The keyboard has been obsoleted. The interface of the future has arrived. You will no longer languish, pecking at sad, solitary letters.
You will use three sliders to select words directly from the collective lexical unconscious.
something that shocked me was hearing vocaloid dream pop/indie alternative with actual synth tropes. like that shit sounded like alvvays. it's clear that most vocaloid doesn't sound conventional, is harsh, bubbly pop, piano ballad, j-rock, rhythm game, or cacophonous but even stuff like vocaloid shoegaze still sounds very different from normal shoegaze and i never get reminded of a different western artist when i listen to it. one of the things thats always in my mind when i think of vocaloid shoegaze is: mostly bad. piercing vocals, or whispery raspiness that a lot of modern skramz also unfortunately applies. this sounded really natural. what i heard couldve easily been some western indie pop with a few tweaks
i spent the entirety of yesterday listening to vocaloid music with an average of like. 100 monthly listeners or less than 100 total listeners on lastfm. found some gems. for some reason it feels like returning to my roots. like, all other experimental music i listen to is either completely western or it's very plausible that a good chunk of listeners for that artist aren't weebs. but im not even a weeb anymore ive only watched like 2 anime in the past 2 years, and probably average like 1.2 a year for the past 3 years.
2025-01-01
i just really like the expression of being completely out of your depth with no recourse to fix it. my binary star/black hole characters, a naivety that persists even when they were completely doomed
oh my god i love the stranger now. like the first part is a bit sleepy though charming and the second half is like youve been suddenly drenched by a water bucket. highly reminds me of when i played archangel:nemesis 2 years ago, where 13 year old twigs randomly decides to read something off a bookshelf. she has this really narrow mindset and only thinks of the simple things, or takes things simply. the book is a very grave message (written in the vn in full; all caps harsh memo by like an evil commander about humans being prisoners constantly monitored by aliens who have made so many mechanisms designed to keep all souls on earth permanently with a certitude of no escape; nothing else in the vn mentions it again) that twigs cannot even read, comprehend, or react to. only the reader can.
my brain is decaying
i like the peoplewatching that the guy in the stranger does. i gotta learn from how camus is able to describe mundane stuff charmingly
2024-12-30
wow got email replies legit today from the professors i cold emailed yesterday and the day before. i was already dooming, because i literally had 2 whole fucking earlier weeks of complete free time where i could've reached out, but continually procrastinated (barrier was choosing profs, reading one of their papers, commenting on that, and tailoring my request, experience, etc) and hated myself for not knowing the requisites* of profs' research interests, and thought asking a week before school was too late. but no, it isn't. happy i got this settled up before the new year. i mean one of the profs basically said that i should take X class before joining his lab but that is really not feasible lol, but the other prof was open to having me no strings attached so im going with the other guy ngl.
*if i were to go with an electrical engineering prof id need to already know upper div circuits or control theory or math or material physics or antennas or a bunch of other shit and i dont so lol
i have this huge inferiority complex because undergrads are so cracked here and have a lot of project and research experience, while i just don't. a number of the people i surround myself with are already very successful career-wise
in earlier years, i put my time into hating myself for not getting myself to do projects and playing games. recently, i have not been playing games at all (genuinely didnt open steam at all until break hit) and just completely focusing on school and kinda guitar. though im "ahead" in terms of schedule compared to some students, it really isn't enough for research knowledge.
head still aches. 29 days i wanna die >_<
temporarily fixed my logitech mouse's double clicking problem
another nightmare today. idk why, this never happened regularly before
2024-12-29
been having dark-but-nonchalantly-treated dreams and just nightmares incredibly often after i fall asleep to super peaceful music (ambient).
2024-12-28
_< she recently asked if i've uploaded recording myself playing guitar, then if ive considered uploading them, then to "plz" send her the recordings if i began uploading them because she'd "love to watch". is she rizzing me
fuck i dont know anything about anything lol. literally just a dumb undergrad aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
2024-12-27
generated a loose focus for my research with 12 hours and a dream. something combining control theory and physical modeling of some instrument, perhaps to develop an evolution of expression idk though just spitballing
2024-12-26
i saw 2 rabbits, in the places i didnt expect. wonderful. i scoured the other known sites, but they weren't there.
sometimes i go through my lastfm bookmarks and clear things i have heard, but not because i used my bookmark on the artist to listen to them. it's just due to how prolifically i check out music from other sources. just now i cleared 50-80 artists from my bookmarks
i want to see the rabbits
2024-12-24
lately ive been discovering some of the greatest music of all time and it makes me so happy because it's so hard for me to find good music abundantly. usually, my findings are very sparse. genuinely, getting someone that sounds like donald duck and getting them to scream over top of cold math rock or atmospheric dungeon synth is just so good. i love trhä, i love alta
im so scared why am i graduating in the next academic year. i haven't developed enough. im clueless and incompetent, and useless
okaeri alice is mid. contrived and ends like the characters completely lost all agency and became placid toy figures to tie a neat bow. the mimosa confessions was written by someone totally out of lgbt spheres yet still manages to be naturalistic and show agency and lack of agency wrt gender very well compared to this. in the most active and least active moments, okaeri alice's characters do not seen like they are causing what is happening, shit's really inconsistent.
2024-12-23
ive been watching will anderson scrabble videos lately and he uses the chess (!!) icon to denote a brilliant play, and i first saw this in the context of some guy going over rizz dms and giving texting advice, but that did not put the (!!) circle in my brain. but now after those scrabble videos, i just think "(!!)" when surprising things happen or im mentally recounting panic
oh shit i actually saved the link and didn't just read it once and not log it. but it doesnt have anything about beat happening, only girlpool. im listening to twee rn that's why im thinking about beat happening
a few years ago i read a story in some independent online magazine where everyone was in grad school and the band beat happening was relevant and there were § everywhere denoting fictional codes that the protagonist adhered to. and i think i was unable to read it past the paywall so i had to first save the page then read it on archive
ive added 50+ hours of music to my playlist this year. about 1/3 of my total additions (i was at maybe 103? last year). there will never be a year after this one where something like this could happen. it's only possible because i need to listen to ~250 songs a day. first year i added ~20 hrs, next year i added ~60 hrs, last year i added ~20. first two years had a substantial amount of music i already enjoyed and the last two years they were majority previously unknown music
2024-12-22
@stockpiledclay
I finally read Goodnight Moon and it was even better than The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Low key The Little Engine that Could sweeps both
@neverdie0206
toy boat clears
THIS IS FALSE I JUST READ THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD AND THE BLUE ENGINE LITERALLY JUST GOT WHAT IT WANTED IN ONE PAGE THERE'S NO TENSION, PLUS THE ILLUSTRATIONS ARE HORRIFYING. there's just those styles of children's illustration and animation that are gaudy and emphasize human parts (or facial features of inanimate objects) uncannily, turning imagined volumes of 2d shapes into abominable 3d caricatures, and both the little engine that could and toy boat have that style. goodnight moon leaves everything in a cute, flat 2d style and emphasizes the softness of the bunnies, its a story that flows into repose so naturally. goodnight moon literally clears every children's book!
2024-12-20
for a majority of things i engage with, i feel like i often care primarily about its metadata rather than its actual content. like numbers, statistics, odd facts like albums by the same artist in the same week with the same album runtime, track duration, cover art but different tracks. different albums that progressively add 1 letter to the title word. titles and artist names. maybe because im really picky and metadata is the only way i can be interested in anything i dont connect with in terms of actual content
2024-12-19
ive been reading the mimosa confessions. the main character is just like me because i am so socially inept and hope my contextually tangential responses actually help or make sense when they dont.
it would be awful if i just have migraines constantly forever now fml
they keep giving new types of medicine my life is over
2024-12-18
something very, very interesting is that, despite No Contact between me and her for the last 3 months, she started a convo with me and said something that suggested we would be hanging out physically, in class next qtr. the boundary was loosely set up by her, as she was my tutor, and i followed it and expected to just continue maintaining that boundary (not talk to her) for the rest of my days, expecting our lack of contact to add to her disinterest in me. something concerning is that all the staff on the class she tutored know my exact condition. like she told me "i'm rly sorry about the concussion" when i never told her that i had one, only the professor
my head hurts
2024-12-16
ive listened to like 200 of this ambient producer's albums and ive just learned he names different albums the same name sometimes
2024-12-15
been trying to watch some cool films on kanopy then realizing i really dont want to 10 mins in
my head is getting worse
2024-12-14
basically all i think is: im on my second concussion it doesnt look like ill recover because its been 22222222 whole weeks and its worse my Thinking career is over
despite the worry of perma brain damage or perma headaches because i have not rested at all for the past 2 weeks of having a concussion and from feeling a lot of pain constantly and more often than 2 weeks ago i am at least fortunate that all my injuries, though notable and weeks-long, did not require expensive intervention
2024-12-13
that video of bladee falling off the stage makes me sad because even relatively minor incidents like that can seriously fuck you up for a while. for me, i did not expect to get a concussion the way i did this time, it was supposed to be a minor injury
2024-12-11
bro got 2x brain damage before gta 6
2024-12-10
but im on painkiller steroids and my head still hurts
i fw one doctor and one doctor only and it's the guy who immediately gave me the doctors note yesterday and also previously had an injury with the same niche source of what i got last week and kept using gamer slang. late gen z/millennial gamers are doctors gamers are surgeons i respect it
i dont fuck with brooklyn vegan's punk/emo lists they really avoid the type of mathy emo i like
advice: dont get hit by a scooter and dont have low inertia
frail and a failure. honestly there's no good ways to call myself a failure. gendered versions honestly hold more weight in my head. like although mostly used in the wealthy incompetence sense there's failson and faildaughter, and girlfailures, failed males, whatever
Does anyone need a weak girl for moving boxes or for laughing at. Anything works so long as I get paid
this is something someone i follow posted then deleted. i resonate with the message honestly
oh my god they have so many listens on lord snow and yaamc now. last year they were listening to indie pop and radiohead i turned this mf emo
god there's this person who listens to my (honestly 1 to 6 listener) radio hours and makes playlists of what i play and they listen to the playlists still. it was literally the last thing they listened to. like i was thinking why is this person listening to unfamed bedroom skramz project Glowwworms with a song i played. then i see an exact copy of my radio set. i love that they find that much memorability out of my radio hour
my head hurts reference was intentional
2024-12-09
when i got a concussy the first time i completely stopped music and this time i stopped listening to non ambient music but still listening to 250ish songs a day :)
my head hurts. when i walk im lightheaded as fuck. i have a billion finals. kill me
i can kinda believe in myself.
2024-12-07
too many people reveal their deadnames for no reason
i fucking hail maryed the fuck out of these past 4 hours oh my god
the phrase "i love your lifestyle" rattles in my head, originally from an emo band name but really more used in my head whenever i long to live like how someone else lives, usually in how they just manage everything so well and are always doing something, or just take actions to be the person they wanna be. pretty straightforward
concussion hittin hard rn
2024-12-05
i dont fw food anymore i try to eat stuff that i even try to eat food with the least nausea risk and i just get so put off by finishing food. yea i do get nauseous. food fell off
im cooked
just going to pretend that i dont have a concussion honestly. like i went to urgent care the day after i got it and honestly they kinda dgaf since it's not severe. no doctor's note... power through
=> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIAbESu5NVg
ethel cain - my favorite types of gay porn
i just put them on my different little crts all over the house i have gay porn playing at my house parties
2024-12-04
unhinged things are happening
libreoffice suite making the first option for making a new file the "new text document" option is so unhinged. this happens no matter if you're in calc, draw, etc
spotify wrapped is telling me i listened to 286297 minutes of music on spotify or 65% of the time in the first 10 months but last.fm is telling me all my top 4 artists are not on spotify with 1k+ listens so. did i listen to music for 70%/75+% of the time?! perhaps. yes, i mostly listen to music while playing guitar ... yes, mostly different songs to what i'm playing. i exemplify the extreme multitasking of zoomers i think, sans the tiktok/instagram
2024-12-03
why am i so inarticulate. i do talk to people but i keep fucking it up!
i cannot trust my head to do or store anything anymore or rely on it for anything
2024-12-02
18 hrs later i still feel my head being weird im cooked
had fun today though i didn't make much progress in work and might've gotten my second concussion :(
2024-12-01
so apparently i already listened to the entire big deerhunter album twice in the past and didnt really like it, did like one song though. but rn im checking atlas sound and the laetitia sadier song is beautiful. it's like jefre cantu ledesma - tenderness where bro put sobrenadar on his album and made it one of the most graceful songs of all time. and overall getting hints of animal collective across the album
2024-11-30
this d'addario high e string didn't snap when i strummed it hard and it made a loud noise and i couldn't see the string across the neck. it simply slipped off extremely. this is a huge improvement over ernie ball
=> https://www.hearingthings.co/claire-rousay-explains-her-credit-card-statement/
i didnt know this artist nor music journalism site (ex pitchfork writers) until half an hour ago and i fw the ambient in the artist and the coverage of the site. literally just writing about whoever no rules
like i got to kaho matsui (9k listeners rn) from some random person i follow being mutuals. then more eaze is a collaborator on her latest album. its the most glitch/supercollider-type improvisation work of hers, doesn't have her classic chiptune-style synth brightness or speechy hyperpop vocals, i fw this a lot
there are few listens on the collab album, and most of the plays on more eaze (37k) are concentrated on some track called gentle pets
then more eaze retweeted this article, then i check claire rousay on spotify and she's just chilling at 100k listeners with a "side effects" playlist feature. i dont look at that playlist but ive had the impression it's catered to sad tiktok indie people and has a large reach.
also TRANSA (new album last week where claire rousay has a track with wilco guy) is lowkey a crazy album in terms of features. like how the fuck is the og new age artist laraaji collabing with tiny zoomer eai artists. why is hunter schafer on here. wait why does lynn avery have 200k monthly listeners i had the impression she was small due to having no listeners on her iceblink project. why is sade on here i thought she stopped making new music ngl. why is my ambient goat Green-House collabing with kelela. wilco? fleet foxes? why is andre 3000 on this with a 26 min track. there's also various modern indie artists like adrianne lenker, clairo, grouper, which im not as surprised seeing but how did they get this lineup and combination of tiny eai artists, that id associate with poasting on twitter, collabing with huge artists
more clippings of article text
2024-11-28
still dont have healthcare im cooked
the train station now plays loudspeaker classical piano music just like the satie piece at night by the doctor's house in boku no natsuyasumi 2
got high for the first time, honestly it was pretty mid i felt no emotional changes or happiness, just loss in control, working memory and energy, constant rapid tremors, and low energy for the rest of the day i dont think i experience the good parts. like to me the only reason to take it again is to feel different from and worse than normal
2024-11-27
im just so confused how everyone can be so successful and actually make the most out of their undergrad, and their summers meanwhile im a certified failure spending my summers not enhancing my career prospects
2024-11-26
it actually hurts my soul to see that my friends who had a high academic impression of me, directly know i suck at this class supremely because theyre grading my shit
i want to have the utmost clarity of mind
im unsure if i wanna go down industry or grad route since it's annoying to secure an industry position rn, and this very moment is the point i really need an internship. i'd need to somehow get an interview offer, then go thru rounds of interviews, then intern in a place that needs relocation. and i had a 0% interview rate in all my apps. but a super cracked research project could help me in industry, while not being a real company. and a paper and the other stuff this internship entails helps me for grad school.
honestly i dont even care that im getting paid less than industry. im just happy to have a summer project that im working towards, that could be a Real Paper, that will be advised by a great mentor if i choose it carefully. i dont even have to grind leetcode anymore i could just get good at the problems on my own time
not even local companies cared for my application :skull:
no way. i secured a research internship at my institution. ALL REJECTS ON COMPANY APPLICATIONS. apply to 1 research internship with a first draft of a basic personal statement, IMMEDIATE ACCEPT (after a month for them to decide) let's go?!
2024-11-24
i really have no depth in terms of experience or knowledge now. i only spend time on school and guitar and listening to music. and doing the first two badly. no reading. no movies, no insightful videos.
i fw dan bejar. i dont understand why will toledo once wanted his voice but i fw destroyer's instruments. but i dont really fw the new pornographers, which was will toledo's only experience of dan bejar at the time, he didnt listen to destroyer. i should hear more 2000s indie rock. barely scratched deerhunter, atlas sound, etc.
downloaded uber for the first time (i was using web version w/o location on my old phone and only used it twice) and the first thing i notice is that the only location on the where to? is her old apartment complex because the last time i used uber was half a year ago. and we were hanging out. im crashing out
2024-11-23
i like that i practice guitar for at least an hour or so every day. i like that i use my brain to think and reason every day. i like that i progress in my schoolwork everyday even though it's out of necessity. i do have a grindset even if im not very good in terms of understanding concepts and being fast.
i am ruined, more than ever. my brain cant let go of them. over a year now. no recovery. hole in my heart my brain unfairly generated that can never be filled. it haunts me every day. only thing that gives me any relief is going to my list and seeing other people complain about having the same mind virus i have, who've also had it for a long time. seeing them post shit like "i dont care i dont care i dont care" again and again across months. weak wishes to will themselves into getting over it -> literally me.
i only hope that graduation gets rid of this. if it doesn't, there is no escape.
2024-11-20
god i love the fact that someone asked me if i heard of yaamc kinda unprompted, so i just took them to the wall where i chalked yaamc lyrics. like i just have tangible answers for something nearby, that i didn't really expect anyone at this school to recognize. also it is the single thing i chalked this quarter.
2024-11-19
my school is fucking insane because stupid niche terminally online shit can turn into irl friendships within minutes.
i got a bubble machine gun and debuted it today at the station and people love it. i got a shirt that's like "i love getting pegged to [band]" and people no matter if they know the band or not love it.
i don't recall much of the classes i took at this time last year. i dont think back to the amount of minesweeper i grinded at this point in my life last year, nor the concussion really. there are only small moments i hold onto. 20 feeble years of life, each year im supposed to evolve as a person and experience so many new things but everything that werent those small meaningless moments flashes by. january. march. july. september. im almost exactly like me last year. time really moves fast.
i miss it
2024-11-18
today i hung out with some ppl at the radio station. (only one was affiliated with the station) they had videos of some party they had last night where everyone was just spontaneously ready to answer "how would you rate this party out of 10" photogenically, confidently, and articulately while some guy was passed out on the ground. how can people present themselves consistently, effortlessly? in interviews and tours too like that one nougat video
2024-11-17
ok i just played 5 shoegaze songs for the first time within like 15 mins of the previous text that's pretty chill
im emo. im overly affected, im preoccupied and attached, i cant evolve, im so emo that i haven't learned a single shoegaze song in all these months
once you learn to love the darkness in your heart then it will all start
2024-11-15
ngl there are SO many fucking boymoders at my school how is this real
2024-11-14
im bad at everything and i cant fix this
2024-11-12
we walked for the first time since may. she called me based ^_^. im not over her. i feel a great warmth when she acknowledges my presence despite all my academic fuckups. i mean, it doesn't matter in terms of reducing her potential grade this time because it's just her making exam problems and grading my work but it's still like fuck! im terrible at this class! and she knows!
lol spotted zedheadted in grapheneos chat
2024-11-10
at least im better at singing and playing guitar at the same time.
i dont understand why the brain can think about emotions with such depth and memory that it can catastrophize into long term anguish and it consumes millions of peoples entire beings, where is the "get over it" mechanism why isnt there a protection mechanism against this. i despair over not having things that are unquestionably impossible, consistently for almost a year now. i know theyre impossible but my brain cant get over them.
dsus2 is The brave little abacus chord
2024-11-09
missing most of my journal >_< i only backed up my journal from sept 15 and earlier. i occasionally hit the download archive link but the last time i did that was sept 6. i kinda relied on this deletion bug to keep more than just the last month's content, oh well.
d'addario high e string packs are genuinely so cheap wow. $4 for 5 high e's.
2024-11-08
i want to be entwined. interlocked and close and not far away and close and entwined i will never have this. it's not happened to me but i miss the past, when i at least had the closeness. i want to be entwined and entangled
all my classes are so fucking cerebral holy fuck
2024-11-06
holes in my brain
2024-11-05
just not having a good time more generally.
in all my classes i got cucked by the instructors fml. why do they make their shit so broken. im going to drop a letter grade because they suddenly hid my failing (but incorrectly failing, because they made the tests wrong) tests while using those broken tests as my final grade. they had regrade requests open but when i saw i wasn't failing any tests anymore i thought they fixed it but no. my grade is cucked. in my other classes the hw and exam writers cant specify their questions unambiguously for some reason which made me interpret the questions literally which actually lost me quite a lot of points. aah this sucks so much i wish my classes were actually properly run fuck!
my high e string broke again. i actually dont have spare high e strings anymore. i can play unforgiving girl (she's not an) pretty decently without needing to hear the high e
im scared of her, she does scary things and i know too many things about her, that she broadcasts but doesnt know i know until now (probably, i don't know if she noticed i panic deleted innocuous banter and yuri jokes but perhaps she can connect the dots), and neither of us talk enough to address this so im just gonna ignore this, and i think that makes a real continued friendship impossible
2024-11-04
i keep dreaming about homework in one of my classes. the first time actually helped me revise my hw, making me realize facts about prime implicants, but the second time my dreams just gave me fake problems and instead of trying to solve them i just got really anxious on whether or not they were in the homework
2024-11-03
dammit im falling for her again.
2024-11-02
i like that making yuri jokes in a class discord makes the yuri fans reveal themselves.
2024-10-31
on tuesday something really insane happened to me, in a way where only i would ever know it was insane despite the 50ish other people who were there. a professor who did not know anything about me mistakenly did something that incidentally has been in my mind and i have actively kept and used it in my mind for months now. i have never told anyone this thing, nor have heard anyone in real life or online use it before. there was no chance this was going to naturally come up anywhere. until he started referring to something but he misheard it the first time and kept using the misheard version. this misheard thing is what was in my mind. then he mistook me... and started applying this mishearing to me. how did he mistakenly get into the deepest recesses of my brain.
2024-10-30
im still applying to shit just so i can say i applied because it's obvious im getting rejected even if i meet the qualifications lol
applying to internships and thinking about my career prospects makes me wanna die. why cant being good at school let me get a job im good at school
2024-10-29
people need to stop asking me for help within the last 3% of time left before the deadline im not getting paid for this shit. pls im not your tutor. i help every time before that but by god stop doing this
2024-10-27
im gonna die in this job market. fml
today i queued up some songs so that at position #1000 in my artists library, i would have all artists at at least 24 scrobbles, right, because i still have that listening-depth goal i mentioned in the past. home was one of the artists. then i felt like watching the pokemon platinum guaranteed inputs to win video and i was like why is bro going summoning salt mode. but no, it was just my queue.
2024-10-26
ahhhhh what the fuck today was the first time i broke my guitar streak of like a month (because i had to be SO Locked In for a billion other things today) but i wont count it because i played it at 12:20 within the same waking period SMile!
2024-10-25
ok i made progress in my career today i learned about shit like skillsyncer yesss maybe ill get ONE internship acceptance finally
2024-10-23
i miss those simpler times, of reading cute experimental vns and making vns. and making music and getting really good at games. currently in the depths of engineering hell what the fuck is a z domain
nahhhh vylet pony made botanica in "i don't know how to tell you that you're my best friend". i remember that one time music producer kyrsive made a mild tweet that got concatenative_synthesis to delete their instagram account. they were peevedly pointing out someone made a meme account purely for botanica memes and all kyrsive's followers were like "bro is making memes for a niche within a niche what's the point??" but honestly what's wrong with that? i like it. and why did concatenative_synthesis just immediately delete their account after One mildly-worded tweet and reply section
2024-10-20
so i bombed my codesignal oa. man it wasn't even hards it was like both mediums fml bro
its actually so weird how ive supplanted my status quo of sitting next to her in class with the person who slid into my dms sitting next to me in class. lowkey the ways in which this person interacts with me mirrors what ive done for her in the past lol
2024-10-21
ive been working on schoolwork and leetcode for 12 hrs straight and it's not enough.
oh my god i extended my oa again 2 weeks ago and the deadline is fucking tmrw 25 hrs left. i want to die i cant do this i can't do this it is so over for me i've been cooked and i'll stay cooked
i was wearing a shirt i got recently that only ever got 1 comment from a like middle-aged stranger across the train station: "cute shirt" but today my reading groupmate asked "what's on your shirt? should i be concerned?" lol. it's lineart of 5 anxious and sad-looking clones of this cartoon-style girl in a pseudo-hospital gown. imagine one of those american twitter artists who are a bit esoteric and japanese-artist with it. yeaaaa
i like playing the songs ive learned. see, people tell me Everyone Learns Seven Nation Army, but would i want to continue playing it after i learned it? i love playing bluish. i play it for a fantasy curly-haired girl that i will never know.
animal collective - man of oil is the Greatest 3 Chord 1 Strumming Pattern song to exist on earth. i really enjoy playing it on guitar. also i dont know if this is flameworthy but i dont like the eerie samples in that song. a guitar playthrough is just a chiller and more pleasant version of the song
2024-10-18
jesus im academically cooked. god save me. mfw the 30hrs of work class actually happens to be 30hrs of work and only has clear information on it 5 days before the deadline and then i have a large scale project due and the other lab due and the other homeworks due and the quizzes for the class im getting 0s on and accidentally skipped today, and the other class's midterm i kinda bombed today
school is hard suddenly my quarter is perhaps the toughest of all time and i literally had a concussion in a previous quarter. but i guess this time i can say it's the covid destroying my brain cells.
2024-10-17
blisters are weird. they just give you a free fake callus after they're done. cuz it is similarly dead skin with all the fluid dissipated.. no bulging, you touch it and it kinda flattens, localized only to a small region perhaps a ways away from the center of your fingertip instead of encapsulating all you fingertip... i guess it's better to get a blister than an abrasion because abrasions don't give you free resistant skin. i got the blister some days ago from fingerpicking for a minute
on the 15th my transfer friend invited me to her dorm and it was crazy. square twee and shoegaze printouts all over the walls, one wall just had a large 81 album topster on it in which she said that she previously kept smaller copies of in a binder during high school. other stuff made me think the dorm decoration was very swaggy and intricate but giant topster as dorm decoration is a bit scary for sure
2024-10-15
ok i finished the letter few hours ago. why can i write baller 800-word rec letters for my friends but i cant get myself an internship kms. also got 0 on a quiz today after doing every of the 18 corresponding quiz problems because actually bro skipped this set of quizzes and went a week ahead 😃😃
2024-10-14
jesus im going to be writing a college application letter of rec for my online friend On the due date :skull:
2024-10-13
ok so everyone red heart reacts me it means nothing
i swear this one person is trying to rizz me, honestly we are like decently alike but also they did not know i was enby until 2 days ago
2024-10-11
yesterday i met a guy who liked audience of one, we talked about music for a while, i showed him staple tapeworms on my penis and he made the actions on my phone to remove it from every playlist it was on 💀 luckily spotify doesn't do anything on the first unchecking of a playlist, it only happens after hitting done
2024-10-10
this goes insane wow
=> https://tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/tab/of-montreal/hissing-fauna-are-you-the-destroyer-tabs-984651
i like keeping my friends in my immediately visible dms list. some people i ever get reminded of when seeing things so i don't have to think abt keeping them up, but this one person i like making an active effort to keep them visible cuz theyre so chill and new to here so i like being reliable. and i befriended them through dms in a server where most active people are like idk how to make friends and people give them "you can meet friends in classes" like those commonly deeply maintain. ime, none have.
Skin wrinkling in water is an active neural driven reaction, not a passive physical one
2024-10-09
ok its crazy that calluses stop the affected areas from wrinkling in water. like my fingertips but not the surrounding skin just bulge out more and cannot be wrinkles anymore. i was wondering if my pinky got a callus a few days ago and it did gleam slightly more than my other pinky but not by much. but in the water, it's just Solid lol
im genuinely so cooked why am i not over her. i was in lecture today and im taking a course she took last qtr. last qtr she was talking about how cool the idea that the prof is making us implement was, in its incredible nicheness and the application of our knowledge from last last qtr to give a foundation for the atoms of this and i just kept thinking about her. i talk to the people we sat besides in lab, who i never exchanged contacts with or even shared classes with after the lab, more than i talk to her or vice versa (3 weeks ago, one brief text convo). i havent even seen her since the school year started
whenever i play bl4ck m4rket c4rt - good morning texts, the ending where the lead guitar plays a slightly modified version of that one riff from beach life-in-death ALWAYS makes me switch to playing beach life-in-death. i actually played every part of blid including diff guitar parts this time, usually i skip the "in the mall in the nighttime...." part
save me empty string save me
i did not further my career yesterday but i did learn the majority of souls and i did my signals hw and made a new gif for the first time in a while so w
2024-10-08
even though the new strings stopped me from cutting my fingers other than when they snap, they oxidize rly quickly and straight lines of like oxide just fall from the strings...
2024-10-07
i have calluses :3
interview process is hopeless. hope i get picked up by some random company
on the 5th i used the chordify chords of at the crown of eternal sunlight to write .txt chords aligned to lyrics so now i have a non-real time reference for playing that yay
too stressed to sleep. oa due today, gonna bomb it for sure. im bad at leetcode.
2024-10-04
why havent i learned beach life-in-death on guitar until now it's actually pretty simple
i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die both careermaxxing and not careermaxxing when i remember i should make me wanna die
these past few days have been the last day that some internship applications are open and i literally only started applying again today after taking a break 2nd week of september i hate myself why cant i just further my career
2024-10-03
ive been so sleepy today
honestly crazy that i got a guitar for free
my throat is sore again. makes me feel like i was infected with covid a second time even though i have not been out and interacting with people
2024-10-02
i kinda memorized where As Cs Fs Ds Gs Bs and a little bit of the Es are on my fretboard (up to fret 12 i havent done the higher octave yet) just starting today this part of guitar is actually easy and fun. basically playing the same note on multiple strings while applying the -5/-4 frets pattern to help me not have to look at the diagram to do them but still keeping the actual number in mind. ive definitely locked in the As and some of the Fs but i gotta practice tmrw
highkey finished skimming the textbook. inductively defined propositions amirite
why am i still sick ive literally had covid symptoms for 13 days now
2024-10-01
oh my god. i only have 4 more chapters left to read of this textbook. before today, i had 13 chapters to read out of 17. oh my god this is actually doable.
im tweaking so hard rn im reading a proof textbook, listening to a live lecture about probability, and music at the same time and previously was practicing guitar during the lecture multitasking is bad and fake
i love epic games' assessment it's so relaxing literally just an untimed exercise in relevant skills i'd already have based on the resume
im happy that i have actually gotten over wanting to interact with the person of my limerence after all these months but i still imagine hugging her frequently. but i do not care to talk to her or know her life anymore. at the beginning of every month i anticipate a twitter post that goes "first day of [month] and i'm still in love with you" and many people replying or quoting it say "fuck off". every month it's been 100% yeah that applies to me but this month, it's like... 95% still yearning but 0% pain attached. im seeing that the poster made a last day of september tweet and a few people said they were finally free from this. happy for them. im free in terms of it actively hurting my psyche but otherwise i am trapped.
its so hard to sing and play guitar at the same time it takes so much brainpower. even in my head, for all the years ive been alive i do not play multiple parts (individual instruments and vocals) of a song simultaneously when i listen to it in my head it's only 1 part at a time. even if ive heard it hundreds of times i just cant comprehend it. sometimes alternating the parts. when ive asked other people if they have every part of a song playing in their head when they play a song in their head and they say yes. fuck my brain is so worthless
💀 people in my reading group secretly actually finished reading the textbook we planned to read and are moving on to new material which i am also going to read so i need to catch up before fucking friday. i think i can manage, basically there are exercises that the
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