Creative

I've probably been drinking too much coffee recently.

Back to that on-the-edge-of-manic energy that feels productive but probably isn't. October was busy at work, but also I decided to start learning Japanese again, and participated in #looptober for the first time, and really wanted to finalise a massive BookWyrm feature to allow people to migrate their accounts.

I blundered into a headspace of chastising myself for wasting time. Why was I bothering with writing code in my spare time, why did I buy a silly synth when I'm obviously never going to be some big dance music star playing to crowds? I'm not a programmer, or a musician. Why was I bothering to try to learn a language as difficult for English-speakers as Japanese? I may well not even go to Japan again.

But this is totally wrongheaded.

Capitalist Brain is never far away in our world. You have to fight it. I'd inadvertently been thinking about how I spend my time in terms of its potential for capital accumulation. Partially this is perhaps some anxiety about my role in my paid work, straddling the worlds of technical team lead, and strategic manager. I probably should be leaning more towards the latter but I resist it because I like being "on the tools". I realised recently I've been thinking about this all wrong. I mostly enjoy my paid work and believe I'm reasonably good at it, but it's not more a part of me than anything I don't get paid or "recognised" for.

I first wrote a computer program when I was 12 years old: A retrospectively hilarious game made with rudimentary graphics in BBC Basic, that a friend and I called "Eco-Warrior". I can't remember anything else about it, but I'm quite sure it was a terrible game. Six or seven years later I bought a guitar and formed a "band" with another friend. We recorded ourselves and (although I don't remember this) co-wrote songs over the phone - remote working! Turns out I've been pursuing these creative outlets for a while, even if not continuously. I went back to learning Japanese partially because there's a possibility I'll go back to Japan, and partially because I read The Long View and was reminded yet again that being able to speak - and more importantly, to think in multiple languages is extremely good for humans. It makes us more creative, more thoughtful, more alive. And Duolingo does make it fun.

I play music. I make art. I tell stories. I create tools. I teach. I learn to speak to people unlike me. I do these things alone and in cooperation with others. Just like humans have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years. These are not "hobbies" and certainly not follies. It doesn't matter whether or not I'm "good". What matters is that it is human to create - both as individuals and collectively - and to share those creations with each other. This is what life is for.

Though the tasks and conditions of work are themselves often oppressive, it is the necessity of giving up the majority of your waking time and energy to production, irrespective of your desires, feelings, or needs, that is the fundamentally oppressive (and valuable) aspect of work.

There are no KPIs when I'm coding for BookWyrm. That's probably why it's one of the few experiences I have where I can become so focussed that I forget to eat. The music track is finished when I decide it's finished. The stupid beer zine is done when I can no longer be bothered. And yet these can be the works where I am most careful, where I take the most care, where I have the most pride. I'm not an artistic or musical genius, not a 10x developer, not a polyglot - but I am an artist, a musician, a computer programmer, and a language learner. I'm going to have fun with all that.

=> Are you an artistic genius? | The long view | Work Sucks