Extravert

I went in to the office last week for the first time since ...somewhere around June, I think?

It was a bit overwhelming, and I didn't feel entirely safe in a stuffy room with literally 50 people milling about, when COVID cases in the state were hovering around 1200 a day. And yet the next day I was brimming with energy, ideas, and enthusiasm about getting in to the office next year with my colleagues.

I keep forgetting that I'm an extravert. People often mistake intraversion and extraversion for personality traits, rather than energy sources. I can be loud, but I'm often reserved. I am of course a bookish nerd, which is part of the reason I'm a librarian, and to most people "intravert" is a shorthand for that so it's easy to trick even myself. But the reality is that I am energised by being around people, talking out ideas, working on things together.

Doing this over video isn't the same. As lived experience and many research papers show, having a conversation over video conference is much more tiring than doing it in meatspace. It's also for me just nowhere near as effective. Cues are missed, whiteboards are virtual, everything becomes flattened and in a long day of back to back meetings it becomes hard to remember which one was which, and even what was discussed. But enduring months of lockdown and work from home, I simply became resigned to it. I've found ways to make things more enjoyable and bearable—morning runs have really helped—but being back with a group of colleagues physically was a bit of a jolt not simply because it felt a bit much at the time, but more so because it felt so great the next day. I realised how flat and lacking in energy and enthusiasm I've been whilst working at home.

Part of the reason I forget I'm extraverted is that I also need "me time". Most people need both, but not necessarily for the same reason or purpose. I get energy from being around other people but eventually it's over-stimulating. I need to slow-release that energy. Asked about this recently, I realised I'd never really thought about it much. It's a bit like the Spotlight/Lantern Consciousness dichotomy. Too much social time is like too much coffee: the energy and focus starts to make me feel a bit ill if it's overdone. Then I need to slowly decompress, and give my brain some Lantern time. Being with people is great for ideating, seeing new possibilities, and maintaining enthusiasm. But quiet time alone is good for thinking through some of the ideas and connections, slowly considering all the ramifications and potential connections, and mentally checking whether they still seem like good ideas when the energy around them has dissipated. To use a different metaphor, I like being around people because it creates a lot of energy: mentally and also phsyically. But charging something up with a lot of energy is pretty dangerous if you don't have a way to ground it, to let the energy safely flow out again. Sitting at home alone with a book and a cup of herbal tea, or walking alone in a park, helps me to ground that energy safely, so that it doesn't turn into anxiety or unhelpful manic activity.

It's been useful having this little insight into myself. I know not everyone works like this. Intraverts work the other way around: filling their batteries with "me time", but needing to get back amongst people to avoid becoming too wrapped up in their own thoughts without a wider perspective to help make connections. People are complex and contradictory and diverse. It's why we're endlessly fascinated by each other.