As a teenager I watched the Batman shooting and how nothing changed, I saw Sandy Hook happen and how nothing changed, and then watched Mike Brown get murdered and how nothing changed, and by that point I think my radicalization was pretty much a foregone conclusion.
They try to tell you this is a just world where the laws are good and the people in charge are good, and a divine will is there to sort out the people who aren't. And as Gaza keeps being bombed, as children keep getting shot, as men keep idolizing Nazis while murdering them, it gets very hard to believe. A just world under a god's watch does not continue slaughtering the innocent, and it doesn't keep enabling those who facilitate this massacre. There is no moralist guide, the system is rotten, it has been for a long time, and its apparatuses attract people with rotten thoughts.
The closest I ever got to getting derailed and turned around on this was -- what else lmao -- gamergate, and only because by the time I heard of it they had successfully buried the original story under that thin veneer of ethical concerns.
You may scoff, but that moment in time still haunts us. The fascist recruiters bamboozled everyone, if only briefly, and lured so so many disaffected boys and men into their pipeline, where they made them good little pawns in their stupid hideous game. Enough to take over the country.
Those of us they couldn't convince were all led around by the nose. On my part it's because "ethics in journalism", even just in games, was already something I had come to care about a lot. Incoherently and unhelpfully, but I cared a lot nonetheless.
But there was that moment where I looked around and said "wait... these guys don't actually care about that at all!" Because for all my dissociative negativity, for all my learned contempt for my peers at the time, for all the wrong things I still held faith in, for how dizzyingly much I still had to learn, I always refused to be a bigot. And gamergate never had the mask on very well.
It doesn't hurt that there were some very uncomfortable questions I was quietly and very slowly asking myself the entire time. My whole life, even. Until I had found the answer, could recognize it within myself, and was brave enough to say it.
I am trans, and I had been burning alive for years.
And just like that, all the false affectations I was holding onto because I was told they were who I was fell away, and I became wholly unreachable as a right-wing asset. I'm not entirely convinced this isn't a factor in them amplifying anti-trans rhetoric, but what do I know.
Now I had the dubious pleasure of watching the country trip and fall straight down this Nazi hole we were always sliding to and never actually got out of while newly aware of myself and how horrifically vulnerable I really was. How much and how long that hate had truly poisoned the country I live in. And I still came out anyway! I couldn't bear it! I had run out of things to deny about myself. It was time to start reclaiming the parts of me I'd lost to haze and shadow, and damn the consequences. I was ready to learn, both within and without, just how wrong I still was about everything.
And so here I sit, a broke tranny anarcho-communist all too aware of how entirely different, and entirely false, the world I was sold was from the one we actually live in. All too aware of how bitter the slavemasters have always been, all too aware of how Anti-Semitism has shaped this world, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
We stand in the ruins of capital, of patriarchy, and of white supremacy, the Monarchist Blowjob Brothers, if you will. Those dead kids, those jailed black folks, those people living out of tents in Central Park, the soaring temperatures and freak climate disasters, that is their damnable legacy. That is their ultimate victory. Their apostles would see us all die to get a high score in life to buy their way into an afterlife that doesn't exist, and would deny them anyway for the atrocities they commit.
There is no God. There is no justice. There is no salvation. But if nothing else, we can make our own damn justice. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. We must hold these robber barons accountable this time. Far too much is at stake.
That's it, really. That's where I'm at and I guess how I've gotten here.
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