Really nice when you get very non subtle remarks from your wife and mother in-law to dress your age.
To keep the peace, I held back telling both of them to fuck right the hell off but I now have the taste for blood after biting my lip and holding back. So I'll probably be on the hunt tonight.
[#]TransGirlProblems
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@WrenArcher I'm so sorry. Screw them and their second-wave bullshit, dress how you want!
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@WrenArcher
Naw. What's wrong with them?
Why can't people just let a woman alone about all that? Jealousy? Don't be *too hard on them later. 🥰 🫂
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@WrenArcher
First, I've seen your style, so even if you grant them -- which you shouldn't -- some right to criticize your style, they're wrong on facts. Is "dress your age" code for "adopt our style/fashion sense/dress like us"? It feels like code for that, and fuck that. You know what any woman -- cis or trans -- would respond to their mother-in-law or spouse telling them how to dress? Fucking BLOOD is right.
Second, we're GenX. We wear what we want, and we look GOOD doing it. Whether it's a little black dress, or jeans and Docs and a hoodie or an evening gown or whatever. We define what's appropriate for us, and nobody else. It's one of the few things about my generation I've damn well embraced and I'll die on that hill.
Third, I've met you -- you've got a great style that suits you! Every bit of you, from your build to your age to your personality.
Fourth....fourth now I want to go to Numbers in docs and ripped jeans and fishnets and an old concert T held together mostly by safety pins and absolutely act my age. Wanna come?
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@EmilyGB2023
Thanks for the uplifting and encouraging words Emily. I really, really appreciate it. And yeah, I think a LOT of what they're saying is "adopt our style/fashion sense/dress like us" mentality.
I'm four and half years into transition and my wife is FINALLY starting to see that our sense of style is very different. She's rather pragmatic, utilitarian, almost leaning to soft masc where I tend to lean pretty dang girly.
But it's also coming from a place of trauma, background on how/where they were raised.
Also, Numbers for a punk show where combat boots and a torn shirt held by safety pins would be overdressed??? Sounds gay.
.
.
.
Count me in. 😜
@storybead
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@WrenArcher @EmilyGB2023 yes - some of my first really feminine clothes were some nice casual ruffled cotton gauze skirts, and my mother's first comment was that I looked "frumpy." And I think it was the same kind of thing - if I'm going to look femme, there was a narrow window in which she thought that would be acceptable. We talked about that reaction, and she's been a lot better since then. I also (indirectly) get that from my partner's mother, who has leaned very hard into the mode of makeup and heels and such are evil tools of the patriarchy and if I'm wearing them it's an offense to feminism and everything they worked so hard to throw off (thank you second wave feminism).
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@storybead
"who has leaned very hard into the mode of makeup and heels and such are evil tools of the patriarchy..."
My wife has said something similar although not invoking feminism or enabling the patriarchy. She has come very close to saying it's stupid to wear heels because if you need to runaway from an attacker (read: a man) heels will slow you down compared to running in flats.
@EmilyGB2023
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@WrenArcher "Comply in advance."
@storybead @EmilyGB2023
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@WrenArcher Oh I know this pain. I’ve had to restrain myself from snapping at both my ex-wife and therapist when they made “dress your age” comments. Fuck that noise. 🫂💜
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@kelidanovus
Yeah, it sucks.
And granted, all trans girls are awkward as fuhhhhhh when they're first transitioning. We're testing out things trying to shed what was protective stuff and parse that out from what is really us.
But damn! Can you give a girl a fucking break and let me figure it out without ganging up on me like a pack of fucking mean girls???
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@WrenArcher The hardest part of this is that the comment is not about you at all, it's about them. You are just the one taking the punch.
@kelidanovus
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@FinalGirl
Yeah, because I have DARED to show that a person CAN wear what she wants, CAN be seen, CAN revel in her femininity and not get attacked.
@kelidanovus
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@WrenArcher Remember, second-wave feminism was founded in white evangelical oppression. The evangelical part is important. That's exactly what you're running into. Doesn't help the emotional aspect, but does give you a ton of justification and backing for a "fuck off" response.
@kelidanovus
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@FinalGirl @WrenArcher @kelidanovus
No sense in repeating what has been posted several times far more eloquently than I would. But I do want to add a historical note and an opinion.
Before internet, there wasn’t a huge community. Maybe you’d be lucky to meet a dozen or so people, and maybe hang out with a couple of them.
Everyone was following their own path but there was a huge influence that no one really could get away from. You had to pass (loaded word, but I can’t think of another) and to do that you had to fit the cis woman mould and not stand out.
Kate Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw was just published and the binary did not yet face any threat. Cis woman style was the only game in town for trans women.
Nowadays it’s a different story. We do have community. Not in person, but with photo sharing, we can see what each other is wearing.
Maybe it’s debatable, but my opinion is that there is a critical mass of us to have a trans woman style.
::frantically draws circles on a transparency sheet::
By examining this Venn diagram shown on the overhead projector, we see an overlap of the Trans Women Style circle with the Cis Women Style on one side and another overlap of the Trans Women Style circle with the Enby Style circle on the other.
::shuts off the overhead projector and speaks a bit more loudly, over the noise of the fan::
The cis women in your lives are criticizing offering the benefit of their opinion because they have the Cis Women Style circle all by its lonesome, as per the Before Internet era. It’s all that they know.
And we are fitting into the Trans Women Style circle because ::gets into a mental quagmire of “to be is to do” or is it “to do is to be” and leaves it up to the philosophers::
And cis women (probably most people) aren’t aware that there is a Trans Women Style let alone that they can’t and shouldn’t have an influence on it.
At any rate, it’s the style that we have.
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@RuthODay @WrenArcher @kelidanovus
I think I understand what you’re saying but I don’t see a trans/cis style differentiation. My wife dresses like an enby, I dress like a slut from the 50s.
The differentiation I see in my community is more second-wavers vs everyone else, in that most of the women I know don’t give two shits about what another woman is wearing except when they want to know where it came from so they can buy it.
I sure as hell don’t dress “my age” and all the school moms and roller derby lesbians I interact with think I have a great style. It’s only the few second-wavers who say anything.
But I admit I’m limited in a small town.
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@FinalGirl @WrenArcher @kelidanovus
The Venn Diagram should be extended to include a cis woman/enby intersection.
I haven’t really refined the idea in my head but OP made me think about it a bit more.
I think my point is that there is a set of cis women who have a conventional sense of style and who expect others to fit into that.
When we don’t fit that, they expect us to change but I don’t think that they appreciate or are even aware of the reality of a different sense of style.
It might even help us through those time when we get judged to hold on to the fact that it’s not just me, others are also not fitting into the box and some of us aren’t even planning to fit into it.
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@kelidanovus I would lose trust in a therapist that said that faster than I could blink. @WrenArcher
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@kelidanovus
If that was my therapist, words would be had.
You have impeccable fashion sense.
And we deserve time to play catchup with fashion and enjoy ourselves.
@WrenArcher
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@Reborn_Cat_Mom @kelidanovus @WrenArcher "Dress your age" is only said by people with insufficient imagination, joy, and wonder at the world.
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