Ancestors

Written by Gremlin Child on 2025-01-09 at 21:44

I am bad at being a woman & bad at femininity. I rarely prioritise what other people want me to do over what I want. I am selfish. By choice, I have no children. I have not set myself up to be a carer for my family members. I act as if I were a man. I have no inclination to apologise for the way that I am.

I also believe that I am unlovable because of all of the above (because that is what society has taught me). I am torn between not giving a shit & caring very, very deeply about this.

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Written by Gremlin Child on 2025-01-09 at 21:53

I have given up on making my body small. I have never in my life secured the male gaze. I convinced myself for years that not being pretty could be mitigated if only I had the right personality & then failed to contort myself into that person. Failed to be cute or cheerful or sassy or dark/pastel/quirky/dreamy enough.

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Toot

Written by Gremlin Child on 2025-01-10 at 08:10

The caveat, of course, to all of this is that I know I am loved. I feel it every day from people who choose to have me in their lives as much as I choose them. The belief that society would have me hold to be true does not match up with my reality.

I read recently a comment about heteronormativity having one gender as the agent & the other as the object. My gender is the object. And when I say I'm bad at being a woman, what I mean is that I'm bad at being an object.

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Descendants

Written by Gremlin Child on 2025-01-10 at 08:15

I'm bad at fitting into a role that doesn't benefit me. I'm bad at doing emotional labour for other people.

I'm pretty good at having agency though, & I'd like to get more comfortable with that aspect of myself over the coming years.

I've reached an age where the prevailing message is that women become invisible. But I've always been pretty invisible in the sense that I think they mean (i.e. male gaze). Not to the people who matter though.

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