"Wow, that gummy kicked in fast!" he said to the intently-listening bag of potato chips
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Picard to engineering! La Forge, sing that Reading Rainbow song!
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And senator horse, how do you vote?
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I didn't think he meant they'd eat MY face
https://www.axios.com/2025/01/22/police-union-trump-jan-6-pardons
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A little bit of Mambo Number 5,
A little bit of Mambo Number 5,
A little bit of Mambo Number 5,
A little bit of Mambo Number 5...
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With the ban approaching, I must make this joke now: I make short form videos on social media which illustrate strategies for taking small breath mints, they are my TicTok Tic Tac tactics
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Petition to have the Benny Hill Theme played whenever Donald Trump is on camera
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The clerk asked how I was doing, and I said "not bad". But get this, I was lying. Sucker
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The kids are at their mom's, so I'll just ask here: did everybody poop good today?
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Imagine being one of the multi-billionaires. You could, if you wanted to, house every homeless veteran and provide them healthcare for life without even getting out of bed. You could fund the medical bills of every child with cancer. You could feed every hungry child in the country. But instead of any of that, you decide to donate your money to the chief doofus, and do your best to make life difficult for your employees, the immigrants who pick your veggies, and LGBTQ+ kids.
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This couldn't have happened at a worse time, I say when anything happens
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I'm rewatching RoboCop and Starship Troopers to see how the next few years might pan out
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Person 1: A guy at the noodle factory fell 3 stories into vat of bowtie pasta.
Person 2: Farfalle?
Person 1: He sure did!
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Brain: let's put the taco seasoning packet in the mac and cheese, that'll be amazing.
Narrator: it was not, in fact, amazing
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Remember: happiness is a choice, just like shoe size and brain chemistry
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I'm going to get a "Honk if you love Jesus, apple pie, or anonymous anal sex" bumper sticker and see what kind of response I get
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Due to cutbacks, your days can only be merry OR bright, but not both
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I'm kinda imagining the slingblade dude saying "Mmmmm, so tender and mild"
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It's better if you say "tender and mild" real low and creepy-like
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Should you:
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