Toots for jpkeates@mastodon.social account

Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-02-01 at 10:01

That awful feeling when you come home from visiting your young grandson and realise that you didn't give him his nose back before you left.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-31 at 18:44

It was a French minimalist who told me Leslie had died.

Or as he put it, Les is mort.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-31 at 16:39

My wife accused me of having an over-active imagination, which is probably fair, because I'm not married.

But, when she found that out, she was made up!

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-31 at 14:21

Remember the headlines when Elvis started dating one of the girls from the Sound of Music?

“He’s courting a Trapp.”

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-31 at 12:01

Do you know why donkey's are usually portrayed as looking sad?

Because a mule and his funny are soon parted.

[#]LunchPun

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-31 at 08:59

It's National Gullibility Day!

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-31 at 07:14

I’ve just realised that if you write today’s date backwards and then forwards, it’s probably symptomatic of some mental health issues.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-30 at 15:13

I encourage all of my male children to steal marmalade.

Robbing sons?

Any brand.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-30 at 12:01

I identify as a charioteer.

My pronouns are ben/hur.

[#]LunchPun

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-30 at 09:30

[#]UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Melee - Legendary Brazillian football scuffle.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-30 at 07:29

Got another email about "Hot women in my Area". Turns out it's a menopause support group.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-29 at 18:08

I bought a cutlet from the ageing butcher, who looked exactly like his dad.

A chop off the old bloke.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-29 at 16:04

One of the reasons that sprinters don't have sex before a competition is that it distracts the crowd who miss the field events.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-29 at 12:01

To settle a debt, Vito Corleone gave one of the Kardashians a container that fell apart.

He paid Kim a hopper she couldn't reuse.

[#]Lunchpun

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-29 at 09:38

[#]UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Smart Meter - Ritz doorman.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-29 at 09:31

My fiancee left me because she said I had no imagination and took everything literally.

My friends all say that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but, while that’s reassuring from an ecological point of view, it doesn’t seem to help my situation at all.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-29 at 07:03

Hey, girl, are you a cryptocurrency?

Because I’ve been looking at you for ages, I don’t really understand you and probably can’t afford you.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-28 at 18:08

First, they came for the Conservatives, and I did not speak out, because, to be fair, they deserved it.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-28 at 14:44

Can’t escape the feeling that this set of scales aren’t working.

There’s no getting a weigh from it.

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Written by John-Paul Keates on 2025-01-28 at 12:01

In Liverpool, the pasta aisle is known as Penne Lane.

[#]LunchPun

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