01.18.25.3 susannah got a perfume sampler a while back and finally picked one and got a full bottle. after putting it on this morning she made me smell it and i said "i like it. is this your new signature scent?" and she said "yes. it's replacing farts"

01.18.25.2 I have no idea why but I just had this weird high school flashback: this kid rhett and I hated our piano teacher and so we came up with a theme song for him (I.e. the music teacher) for us to play in piano lab when he walked into the room — kind of ersatz carnival music we played on the clavinovas’ organ preset. We got kicked out of that class a lot, basically as soon as Dr B heard the distinctive thunk of two 1/4 inch headphone jacks being pulled out of the plastic bodies of two adjacent electric pianos simultaneously

Oh I just realized that the reason I thought of this was bc my wife’s snores were for a few hilarious seconds alternating 5 - 1 - 5 - 1 tones, which were a motif in the bassline of Dr. B’s Theme. I still remember it note for note, would be funny to transcribe it to midi to live here on the internet forever

Dr B sucked but he was the final boss before you were allowed to do actual piano study with Dr J who was a literal angel. A couple years ago I emailed him bc he once assigned me a Scriabin piece that I loved but could not for the life of me find. All I could remember was the melody so I sent him a transcription of that and he sent me back the sheet music: Etude Op.2 No.1. What a mensch

=> https://youtu.be/327D03P5Xxc?si=UhxZ1CQ_PBBCzjDO

Exhibit A in the case I often make that all good art is made in the throes of tertiary syphilis

01.18.25.1 have u ever woken up early and then been like hmmm i decline to be awake and gone back to sleep? I think i just invented it; i will call it “snoozing”. Gonna try it out now. Will report back with my findings

01.17.25.3 what da heck am I doin

01.17.25.2 Conflict with Di resolved very sweetly. I do be hiding and blogging instead of being social tho. This bar has dogshit djs upstairs and so I can always escape any situation by going upstairs because no one in their right mindd would come here and subject themselves to this.

In general there’s a certain threshold of emotional intimacy that i hit with people and I can tell that theyve hit it even before they’re aware that they’ve hit it.

Not sure what to do with this appetite I have to dig dig dig. The more I know about a person the more I love them. This is horrifying to everyone, myself included.

Di is turning 36 on Monday but she has this very gen z way of communicating. She keeps touching the back of my neck and saying “I don’t know what I’m doing after this.”

It is 1:07am. But no.

Not the first time today that I’ve been confronted with the fact that I’m kinda done with psychosexually machinating. Hello I love you won’t you tell me your name. That’s kind of where I’m at, maybe permanently. If you can’t receive it, I get it, bc that’s insane. But I don’t really have receptors any more for anything else.

Embarrassingly, I take the 4np kind of seriously. How do you reconcile that with any other kind of relationship other than the aforementioned?

Desire is a hilariously bad guide in the direction of sustainable happiness but it is a very very good and fun and interesting sport.

Lettuce be athletes, not morons

01.17.25.1 At the A hole waiting for Di, who is eating dinner and showering in unknown order. Last time I hung out with her was also at this bar a few months ago to help her decide whether to accept a job offer or stay where she was at. I'd heard enough from her about her then-current job to know that almost anything would be better, so when her then-current job came back with a laughably low counter, I advised her to just yolo it and negotiate out the rto stipulation and then take the new job.

So I'm about to find out if she regrets taking my advice.

While waiting I ran into L and her boyfriend and it was actually really nice. L was spiraling about screenshots of her tweet about some locals circulating after someone figured out who she was talking about. I was like "occupational hazard of being twitter famous" and she was like fuck that's what C said but I hate it. Well well well if it isn't the consequences of my actions.

Di just texted me to say she "fell asleep a little bit" and is on her way. In general she's impossible to make plans with so I always ask her to meet me somewhere I know I'll have a good time even if she ends up being 2 hours late. And indeed i have had a good time.

MD and i have an epithet for Di, which is "...who could be famous for being beautiful". Our hangouts have been platonic ever since she got laid off and i was trying to get her hired at the company i was working for at the time. Felt gross to mix courtship with sth like that so i kept it super chaste. She got an offer but it sucked so she made her own way somewhere else.

Now im not so involved in her financial well being but it still feels weird for it to be anything but platonic. She has started ending our hangouts with kissing me on the neck which is electrifying but just like nope

So now we hang out once a month or every other month to get drunk and bitch about our jobs and romantic lives. One time she got fucking hamstered and told me she hated her nose and wanted a nose job and i almost cried, not because im so empathetic and was sad that she was suffering about her appearance, but because i literally cannot imagine a more beautiful face than the one she already has, and so, selfishly, i was like fuck that would be tragic.

My wife and her best friend are also coming to this bar. I really should find another bar where i am not beset on all sides by people I love. I love one on one hangouts and every other number of people is like an order of magnitude less fun to me. The problem is that every bar i earmark for 1v1s eventually becomes a bar full of people i love.

Time has passed and i and di have just spent the last couple hours arguing about her situationship, which again given the commitment to platonicity is tricky bc the dude genuinely sucks balls and i have to find a way to honestly communicate with her without succumbing to the impulse to be like you have this golden ticket that no one else has to get kind of whatever you want via being hot and so putting up with a guy who sucks is at the very least ill advised given the aesthetic resources at your disposal

Not that her resources are solely aesthetic, just that her aesthetic resources are comically bountiful. I think I'm pretty clever and smart and funny and reasonably attractive. She is pretty clever and smart and funny and almost illegally attractive.

What has emerged is that she has flaws that she thinks are evil and so anyone who puts up with her is a catch. The flaws being that she gets physical when she's mad. She shoved her boyfriend, oh no. And the reason she thinks that's evil is that her dad beat the fuck out of everyone in sight her entire life. She's 5'4 and situationship guy in question is twice her size and does the thing where he seizes the moral high ground by not getting visibly affectively mad.

Basically anyone who doesn't affectively evince anger is to her world historically a catch. The fact that he has unprotected sex with random women and then has unprotected sex with her on a routine basis is forgivable bc he doesn't raise his voice

Fatherhood should be illegal.

She got pissed at me bc i was like the fact that you shove people isn't awesome but that is not the same degree of shitty as the way your permanent health is routinely put at risk by this fuckin guy. The reason she got mad at me was bc she felt pitied. Pity is not the feeling!

She is deeply, deeply ashamed of the physicality of her anger. Now that i know what i know, i understand why she feels like it's so evil. And it is kind of patronizing to be like you're tiny and therefore it's not a big deal, but........... i mean come on