12/22 - my sleep sched has been off so i’m napping a lot. yday i dreamt about almost getting into many car accidents (as a passenger) but barely not crashing. i also dreamt that we got 1cm of snow & that made me sooo excited

12/16 - it was cool at first to go “oh I’m dreaming again” but I’m already getting tired of these very stressful dreams. I wish I didn’t have to process everything without my own conscious input, I wake up so tense. I tell myself “at least these dreams aren’t about animals being tortured by my loved ones” bc those are the ones that stick in my brain 10yrs later

12-15-24 @ 8:22am

once again woken up thru screaming at my dad in my dream. i went back to sleep after so i don’t remember what it was about. this is so frustrating!

12-10-24 @ 6:10am

woke up from a dream by yelling out loud “i can’t believe you would fucking say that shit to me”. i hate waking myself up thru yelling, heart still pounding, an hour before my alarm. in my dream my dad yelled at me out of nowhere about how disappointed he is in me & my overall work ethic (i worked at the library in my dream?). yelling from the other side of the house that they should fire me, that he’s embarrassed of me, that i should be embarrassed with myself. my mom walks thru my room right after just to comment on my dirty laundry. then my dad comes thru & i can’t even make my words make noise, barely whispering. he has to sit very close to me to hear. i’m shocked & hurt. i say, “you think they should fire me?” he shrugs. i say, “but if you were my boss, you would fire me…” he laughs. i try to say more, i’m mouthing words but no sound will come out. the only way to be heard is by yelling. i scream at him & pound on the bed. i cannot believe his cruelty.

thanks to my brain for trying to process everything going on with my family as well as my own self-judgements. i do sincerely appreciate it even if it’s jarring & inconvenient <3

my dream reminded me also of the time my dad screamed at me to wake up & “do something” — i was living at home for a semester while taking time off college bc i was terminally depressed & failing out. i was sleeping a lot, as depressed people do, but had 2 jobs that were never impacted by it. anyway one day totally out of nowhere, i’m asleep in bed at 11am on my day off, & my dad (who might have been trying to wake me up for a while?) barges into my room & scuh-reams at me, “get up!!! get the fuck up!!!!” as if me being asleep in my bed in the morningtime is inconveniencing him in some way.

thanks brain!

November 2024

My first night visiting my parents, I dreamt I met Kayleigh Rose Amstutz at a house party. We hit it off right away, talking & laughing all night. She invites me to join her at Iowa Pride tomorrow, says I can ride with her & hang out backstage. She says she really likes me, except for the fact that I’ll run off suddenly & she can’t find me. She gives me her number so we can stay in contact, but we’re both pretty fucked up already.

I go to the bathroom excited, can’t believe how well we get along & that she really wants me to join her on tour! As I’m in the bathroom, the house-owner-party-host says everyone’s gotta go. Out now. As I exit the bathroom, thousands of people in large groups are leaving the house & flooding the streets. There’s crowds in every direction & I can’t find Kayleigh. I’m calling her name down every street, check her phone contact: she entered 917-XK!74Bbb. Damn.

I see Tommy Brooks from high school sitting on a ledge. I say Tommy, do you know where Kayleigh went? He goes, James, you DO know who Kayleigh IS, right? I say duh, Tommy, we’ve been talking all night. I say Tommy, if you tell me which street she went down, I’ll suck your dick the next time I see you. He blushes & points in a direction. I say thank you, feeling indebted, hopeful I can find her again. It’s 4 in the morning & we leave for Iowa at 8:30am.

I search a little longer but I can’t find her, she is nowhere. I resign myself to taking the bus home. People are giving me strange looks on the bus, but I get off when my phone tells me to. I look around & I have no clue where I am. Where the fuck am I? It’s almost 5am. I look down & I’m not wearing pants, only a very large t-shirt. Oh, my pants are still in the bathroom at the house party. Damn.

Lost in the city, no pants, no Kayleigh, I soberly take a final bus in the right direction. Go home, go to sleep. When I wake up, I’m excited again. Kayleigh & I had such a great night! & Iowa Pride?! I check my phone & her contact’s not there. I’m back at my parents’ house.