18 jan 2 - in a journal somewhere on here, i’d written how i feel like i’ve lived my life backwards. queer time etc but also other things. in some ways i feel like i’m navigating situations meant for a younger me. which is mixed feelings, tho i’m ultimately happy to be in spaces w/ people that make me feel like “this is what i was supposed to be doing the whole time!” — in a way that feels like things now feel right & correct & “fit” if that makes sense. it’s a very cool feeling.

18 jan - hi flounder, i’ve had a great couple days after being in turmoil for a bit as detailed below lol. feeling renewed, excited, energized by what feels like endless possibilities. thanks for everyone’s love & support!

17 jan - yesterday feels like my whole life changed, i am feeling grateful & loved on my 28th birthday <3

16 jan 4 - had a great night thanks to all the friends i saw & music & moshpit <3 love u all

16 jan 3 - feeling more hopeful after therapy. i was told there is a third option besides “get back together” & “be single” which is “find a loving & healthy relationship with someone else”. unreal how much this information changed my outlook!

16 jan 2 - i promise i will recover one day. “& although i feel cold & empty, one day i hope i can feel warm & full” <3

16 jan - today i will go to therapy & meet with my supervisor. i have been sleeping on the couch again — not sure why i do this. lately it feels like the first week of my breakup again but with more clarity & less shame. many of the feelings i have & the songs i need are the same tho: ajj’s “love in the time of hpv” & “evil”. please don’t be mad when i finally tell my ex i want to try again, i have been so good as to not ruin everything by doing that yet. i know these feelings are so strong now bc of isolation & my bday — i feel more capable & whole when i am connected & in community. i hope that talking to my therapist will help me determine next steps in either direction, to begin those conversations with my ex or to solidify myself in “being single” — both options = “i want to try”. it can be hard to know what i want vs what i need & how to balance those things. i wanted to go calcium show but i needed to rest; i want to get back together but i need to be single…

15 jan 2 - sitting at protagonist cafe in soulard where they are playing the saddest theramin song over the speakers. it’s a painful but rewarding challenge of giving myself a task to do or place to try on my way home. i bought weed for the first time in a long time today, in maybe over 2 months. on the bus ride here, a man at the back of the bus spent the whole time singing an improvised song of “white man with the gayness! gay white man on the bus with the gayness!” this is the second time i’ve been harassed about my gender/sexuality thru song while on public transit.

15 jan - slept from 8pm to 4am yesterday which is as close to nighttime as i could manage. missed the calcium show bc of it but i’ll survive, i hope everyone had a good time. yesterday work sucked but today was better i think. my boss took me off a project last week but the project leaders told me today that they still want me on it so i’m kinda in limbo with that. i appreciate my coworkers. mainly i just supremely don’t want to go home after work today, i wish i had plans with a friend or an event to go to, or even that the aquarium was open later. i hate that i hate going home!

thinking a lot about my birthday as it approaches. every year i agonize over it. i realized today that i feel like i’m not worth celebrating, or i don’t deserve to be celebrated, which makes me feel pathetic & small. it’s kind of absurd bc it’s a normal regular thing that everyone celebrates every year (“i am not terminally unique”) & yet i feel embarrassed for anyone to know it’s my birthday. i feel like i should be exempt from having a birthday (maybe bc i’m not allowed to desire). a fascinating form of self-punishment that i engage in annually. woe is me woe is me etc.

12 jan 3 - trying not to post incessantly about my breakup but i don’t see my therapist till thursday so bear with me. i love my ambivalence (truly) bc i see myself going back & forth between “i want to get back together” & “i’m glad i’m not anyone’s boyfriend”. one problem is that i find most breakup advice unrelatable & i don’t think “getting over it” exists, tho i do believe that things only last as long as they do. also, trying to “be single” reminds me of when i first moved to stl: i hated it for 2yrs & never really gave it a chance bc i saw it as a temporary place. but things got better when i started putting real effort into actually building a life here. so maybe i need to do the same with “being single”, tho idk what it would even look like to “embrace” “being single” as a way of life. i feel so stuck here in post-breakup land!

12 jan 2 - can’t sleep / don’t want to!

12 jan - hello! today is the first day i’m not super congested. i’m surprised how well i’ve held up completely alone for 10 days, but growing up i thought i’d make a good hermit. i’m excited to return to public life tomorrow & be back in the world this week tho. except that it’s my bday in a few days fuck!!!!!! i’m in no way prepared, no plans or anything. oh well! see y’all soon!

9 jan 2 - finished my first book of the year! & talked to a virtual doctor who prescribed me prednisone. i can’t believe how much snow there still is & that we will get even more tn!

9 jan - my sleep schedule is all messed up, illness has made me nocturnal. i’m halfway thru my jar of tea & running out of ways to transform leftover meals. i cleaned up a bit today tho. i’m not feeling much better physically which has me worried that i might have a sinus or ear infection on top of covid :-/

8 jan - i’m on day 6 of covid. terribly bored & feeling justifiably isolated. eating lots of leftover chili, pasta, sandwiches… made orange chicken too which i was impressed by. all i’m doing rn is sleeping & drinking tea (honey citron ginger out of the big vat from costco). plus i started scouring for materials for digital collages again, started 2 today. in adolescence i’d usually get sick for 1 full week every year, which i’d use to watch an entire tv show (this was still a new concept at that point in time). in 6th grade i watched the whole ugly betty marathon & in 7th grade i did the first 4 seasons of doctor who. nowadays i can only withstand 2-3 episodes of a show before i need to change it… but i’m making myself listen to my audiobook again (something which i told myself is only a “commuting” activity?) so that i’m not sitting in complete silence for too long. ok thanks everyone gn!

2 jan - hi flounder! i hate when i have nothing to do after work. my fav is going straight from work to a show. tn i’ll make chili & maybe watch a movie (1932 freaks?). overall i’m trying to make “better use” of my time: listen to audiobooks during my commute that’s an hour each way (started Tweak by Nic sheff), or a new album (amyl & the sniffers today!). on my usual bus home there’s a woman who knits blankets & it’s incredible to see her progress each day. i started working on a song when i couldn’t sleep last night (!!!) so i want to figure out more of that. maybe i’ll pick an image to tattoo too. some of this can roll over into tomorrow.