Yesterday, around 1:30 AM, I woke up with a feeling that I needed to vomit. I tried getting up, but I immediately felt faint and did indeed faint. I was a bit sick all over the place. Thankfully, it was very little, so it was mostly easy to clean. However, it did leave me feeling weak. I still feel weak, though it's slowly getting better.
Now, the fainting itself was not too bad. It was uncomfortable, sure, but I didn't feel like I was resisting it too much. I think that because of this, it didn't feel as intense. I believe this might be the first time I noticed I was trying to resist as it was happening. Then I just let myself go with the flow. Easy. No stress, extra suffering, or resistance. Just take it as it comes.
I should add here for context that I'm someone who frequently faints. Much less so now that I'm older, but when I was younger, I would almost always faint when I was sick or when going to the doctor for blood samples or injections, or when seeing blood. For me, fainting is (usually) extremely uncomfortable (and even terrifying in some way). This has left me with a strong feeling of avoidance (fear, even) regarding doctors, and I do my best to avoid them if I can. I can't remember the last time I had a checkup. Anyway, I digress; this might merit a separate post in and of itself as it's something I've been trying to work through for a long time...
I've noticed that this is something I've started to do in my life in general: just go with the flow. I have to admit that I've had some good days lately, managing to keep hate and resentment out of my mind and being grateful for things just as they are. I've even experienced moments where I'm thinking about someone, and a great feeling of love comes over me, accompanied by gratitude for the fact that these people are in my life.
I hope that this behavior will stay with me in the long run and isn't just an adaptation to feeling sick (less energy to waste on negative emotions) or something my psyche is conjuring up solely to cope with the fact that our second son will soon be born [^taking-a-break]. It's very likely (almost certain) that I'll be the one to enter the OR with my wife.
To be honest, I really haven't been thinking about it that much. I don't feel like I'm ignoring it, though; I'm very aware that it will happen, and I'm actually counting the days. It's more like I'm not letting it worry me. "It's something that needs to be done," my wife told me when I asked her whether she was worried about it. This phrase really struck me, and I've found myself repeating it in many different circumstances: It just needs to be done. Go, do it, and then come back.
It strongly connects back to what I was saying above about surrendering to what's going on and just going with the flow. What are you going to accomplish by resisting something, especially if there's no way that this something can be anything other than what it needs to be? Worry is just that—something that takes root in our minds when we feel that something in our future can be changed or controlled in any way.
For instance, a presentation is always scary and worrisome. In some situations, it makes sense for us to worry; it motivates us to be better and do better (e.g., worry—in moderation—can be excellent fuel to motivate us to study for an upcoming exam).
But there are other situations that just can't be avoided, and they need to go a certain way: a graduation ceremony, a C-section, a doctor's appointment. Worrying about them only makes sense if we are deluded into thinking we can control what's going to happen and how. Recognizing that we can't is true liberation from constant worry.
I know, it's easier said than done. I'm not sure you could even do it in a directed way if you wished to.
So, in my mind, I'll go to the OR with my wife. I just need to be there and watch; nothing is really going to be done to me. Once the baby is born, I'm sure I'll forget about everything else.
...
For the longest time, I didn't want to see the recording of the C-section when our first son was born. Then I did, and as soon as he appeared on screen, I felt a huge wave of beauty and correctness—pure inspiration. My soul felt bigger, and I didn't care about what was being shown in the video. Now, if I felt like this while watching a recording, I can't imagine the beauty I could experience while actually standing there in real life.
[^taking-a-break]: He'll be born in a couple of weeks so I'll be taking a break from blogging for a while as I get into this new phase. If you're a parent of two kids then I would love some pointers!
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