text/gemini
#Will I ever be normal again.
##Four Times!!, Four Times!!
In almost four years have I left the property four times. For Mom's funeral,
last day to see grandma after grandpa died, the ER and Blood work. Each
time so heavily medicated I barely remember them. I do not really
remember Mom's funeral. That is a terrible realization of how bad it has
gotten. Fourteen pills a day to only have 8-10 panic attacks a day.
I nearly wet myself every time I hear a siren. If an unknown number
calls me I have a breakdown before answering the phone. If I see a
notification for a voicemail I am gone, reality slips away and I am
in panic mode for the next five to sixteen minutes or so.
I am to scared to open my vanity email because it has been so long
since I last looked at it. What could be in there, who could be traying to
talk to me... who..who..who... and for what reason....I finally used my
college email again, I had to four-thousand unread emails... I had not
checked it in over a year, closer to two. It used to be my main account
If I was not worried about doxxing myself. I am down to one account that
I use on my phone. People that know me know not to call, text me first
and see if we can exchange that way, if it is a good day then by all
means lets call and chat.
This is not what I wanted my kids to see, this, this should not be
the normal for them. I do my best to never let them see me panic. Once
maybe twice a year will it be so bad and so long that I can not hide in the
bathroom, the bedroom, any where, where they can not see. Though if it is
small I do express myself to them that way they can understand mental
illness and that it is a struggle, but I want them all ways seeing that you
can "trooper" through it. Even if it is never cured that steps can be taken
and that it can be controlled most of the time for most people.
I am the sad exception though... I feel I have failed them.
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