daily contentment

05/01/25

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perhaps contrary to the main goal of the year (creating memorable experiences big and small) i've realized i've been progressively becoming more and more content with daily life. i used to long for that special interest/hyperfixation that could take me for weeks or months or years if i was lucky. everything becomes inspiring and interesting through the lens of The Thing. how am i to live this dreary life without A Thing to color it and make it sparkle? i haven't had A Thing in so long... years!

somehow i've overcome that need for something to "save me" from the "boring" parts of life. surprise - the boring parts are the most prevalent, they /are/ life. it was resistance on my part, not agreeing to whatever the moment was, expecting it to be better, grander, more worthwhile. but making life - even if it means making soup and not making "fantastic memories" - is the most worthwhile? the beauty i find in, say, a nature walk - immersed in and present with the world, purely experiencing it without any special goal - is spreading into making the bed, the weekly predictable routine of cleaning, watching tv with the partner.

doing something special now is more like frosting on the cake. i want to see what's out there, i'm curious. but not desperate for it to save me. i can appreciate it for what it is, instead of what it's not (what i'm running from). i don't even think i need to be figuring out any psychological/subconscious workings - what was i running from, why, when, how... i'm not anymore and that's enough.

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