1/27/2025

The feeling of needing to express gender in a different way gets alleviated when I dress like a freak. More freaks need to run around stl. I also feel like my gender identity isn't changing per say, more so my want for a different expression. Was starting to mix those 2 up.

I'm at maypop (cafe) in their quite section, and there's only One other person in here. I feel the need to talk to him, but i can't, i need to be quite.

1/25/2025

Whats funnier than 24? 25. isn't that what sponge bob said?

Wanting to sit down today and get some poems fledged out. I'm performing on the 4th. They spelled my name wrong on the flyer lol. Its ok. I ranted about my name to my friend last night. People want to call me literally anything but bigassbug. And I get it, saying that name takes mental gumption. But I also think you're a coward if you don't say the full thing.

In other news I'm having a lot of Big feelings lately. I'm feeling a lot more insecure. This is funny because in my last mushroom trip (a month ago) I feel like I really squashed that feeling. But gender has me feeling soooo many kinds of ways. Its always confusing, its always been confusing. Permanent/semi permanent changes and confusion don't mix.

I talked about some incredibly exhausting things last night. It was already late, its the end of the night, I'm about to go inside and sleep. But before I can, my friend who's sitting the car with me, asked me how I was feeling about my ex. (We broke up around a month and a half ago.) To put it lightly I have a lot of feelings around my ex. They've evolved since we broke it off.

I cried a bit, which hasn't happened in awhile. I'm overwhelmed and sad. My friend kinda gets himself stuck in the middle of all of this, since he's good friends with both me and my ex. I keep trying to remind him that he doesn't have to play mediator. He wants us to talk, since he thinks that we're on different pages. I don't know. I've been ignoring any and all urges I have to reach out to ex. I feel like it'll make it worse. Sad face, this sucks.

1/24/2025

So uhhhh haha. Uhhh. Yeah, Uhhhh.

Bro, I got asked to perform (read poetry) at an event, which is the first time that's happened (exciting). But it also makes me so nervous. At open mics I feel like the pressure gets turned down. But being part of the act makes me feel like I should know my shit a bit more. I think it is So Cool when someone memorizes their poetry, as it feels like they can focus more on the delivery. I want this.

Side note: At work the other day, I was telling a coworker that poetry is probably the dorkiest (dorkiest is a word...) thing that I do. He the corrected me saying that my love for miatas is a lot dorkier (dorkier also has word status.) I love my car too much, i used to hate car people pre miata. I just got her outta the garage, I was stuck on the ice outside of the garage for 15+ minutes before a neighbor came to help. I knew this would happen, as 2500lb rwd car + ice don't mix. I had to cancel so many plans these past couple weeks bc car stuck. I really don't hate the snow/cold tho, this is my preferred weather. If it was up to me, the hottest summer would be is 60ish, with maybe 4-5 days where it would be above that. The heat makes me feel like I'm gonna freak out, I become so whiney and intolerable. This, plus I love to layer my clothing.... Gender Dysphoria oops.

I'm gonna write more l8r, so much to talk about...

1/12/2025

yeah yeah right right.

1/11/2025

I ask people what trash media they consume in order to figure out how online they are, and also how open about it they are. Some sort of intimacy. I have some online guilty pleasures, and I think I hope to find someone who shares the same or equally weird interest.

god god god god. I hate it all. Not actually, I don't actually hate it all.

1/10/2025

I like the lumps of disturbed snow covered in a blanket of new snow.

I have been doing mostly nothing but eating and napping, or at least it feels that way. I need a new job, send job openings my way please. I have not left my house unless someone comes and gets me. My car isn't built for this or more so my trust isn't built for this. I wanna hurry up and make this home lived in. I'm slightly uncomfortable by it not being lived in. I want it to have more.

I had. such a bad dream last night. (They call those nightmares oops.) I will get reminded of it, and start to panic. I have to keep showing myself that is wasn't real. Like re-walking through it.

I watched bones and all again, i like that movie. grrrrr. bones grrrr.

1/9/2025

(This turned into a long long blurb, ugh sorry .....maybe? Im trying to decide if my head acknowledges that people see this or not.)

HELP IM TRAPPED INSIDE A COMPUTER!!!!!!!!

hahaha jk jk, i am actually in real life !

Cannot decide how I would like to use this page, don't hold me to anything quite yet please.

I showed my roommate Ami the joys of flounder (hi ami!), and it was inspiring me to make shit just talking about it. I need to be making more art (always saying this shit!) I was grocery shopping today with Ami, and thinking of various things to post. * Grocery shopping is not fun for me. The whole process is overwhelming in a bad way. I give up a lot when i grocery shop. Ami helps this process. Sometimes I push the cart and say a funny quip or two, it feels helpful. I bought mascarpone as a nice treat for myself.

I have been heavy thinking about the bounds of my sexuality. Theres this push to not be bound by labels surrounding queerness. Like this need to feel like you don't owe anyone an explanation, which I get. Trying to fit feelings and emotions and nuance into a single word is hard, especially when translating that amongst multiple humans. I also have this want to have some sort of label that accurately describes what I want (also to know what I want!)

I was trying to talk about sexuality bs in therapy yesterday, but ofc we spent the first half of our session talking about shit that didn't really matter lol. So I'm full of this nervous energy surrounding it. This whole thing makes me want to get hit in the side of the head really hard.

sad face, I don't wanna type about this any more

• side note i only type with my index fingers and my thumbs for the space bar, typing with all fingers is something i should've spent more time learning. *